To Bra, or Not To Bra

I don't want to wear a bra anymore. I'm tired of adjusting it and sweating into it and having to buy it and everything. I don't want to wear it. And as a woman without a whole lot under her t-shirt, that's probably possible. I can go braless and jog down stairs and not have to curl up in a heap of boob pain once I've reached the bottom. I can go jump on a trampoline topless and not attract a neighborhood webcam. It's possible. That's all I'm saying.

Turns out it's a little intimidating, though, so I'm going to start slow -- weekends. Then weekends and Mondays. Then weekends and Mondays and while I'm cooking dinner. Which will most likely lead to my next post -- wanting to put a shirt on while I'm cooking dinner.

I was going to post some crazy Googled bras, but there are too many to choose from. Google "crazy bra" when you're having some down time at the office. Then wait patiently for your boss to fire you for looking at boobies at work. Unless you work at American Apparel, in which case boobies are more likely to earn you a different kind of pink slip.

Freedom!

Things To Do With Your Extracted Teeth

First of all, know that your dentist will almost never (never, in my experience) hand your teeth over after he pulls them out -- you must ask to take bits of your body home with you in that little bag full of free tiny tubes of toothpaste and plastic vampire teeth. So ask for them, for the love of god, because they're yours and you have clever crafts to create, damn it.

When I had my wisdom teeth (you know, the smart teeth in the back of your face) pulled, I asked for them back. And boy am I glad I did because if I didn't, I wouldn't have this beauty to wear on date night.

Eat your heart out, ladies and gents -- nothing will get you more attention than a necklace full of human teeth. Try it. Take your pants off in public. Wear a human tooth necklace in public. Compare, contrast.

But don't limit your extracted teeth to jewelry. Here's a list of other things you might do with your unwanted pearlies:

- Mix them in with the M&M's on your coffee table.

- Convince your friends to give you their extracted teeth. Do this for several years. Make a bead curtain.

- Swallow them. It's not the best idea, but at least you'll have a new story to tell at parties.

- Wait until your appendix goes out. Ask for that back, too. Make a Halloween wreath.

- Put them into a casserole. Have a dinner party. Anyone who finds a tooth in their meal gets a door prize.

- Paint them like Easter eggs. Hide them around your front yard. Put a Peep in the microwave.

Rip-Off Friday

You've heard of The Incredible Hulk. Well, meet Levi Teal's "The Credible Hulk"...

Lauren! Get Back To Work!

You should be analyzing blood samples, not reading some silly blog.

My Mom

I totally forgot I was going to write something about my mom. This beer has really got me. Seriously, why was I not pregnant when I was 14?

I asked my mom to dig out a couple of pictures of herself that a photographer friend of hers took of her when she was a bit younger. She still has very nice skin, and I think she's an attractive woman, but in 1965? Damn. Not to mention that totally fine Pekinese.

These give me a tiny amount of hope. I mean, you get half of your genes from a lady who looked like that, and I think you're probably okay. It compensates just a smidgen for the spooky-looking monster feet I got from my dad. Although I did get his able-to-change-a-tire gene, so that's cool.

I'm thinking about teaching my mom to text. It would enhance my life by 30%. Truly. I've done the calculations. Although, there's little hope since, the other day in the Apple store (I know) I showed her an iPad and she immediately asked when we were going to go look at the cutesy wootsey puppies at the pet shop.

I like my mom. She's a pretty neat lady, and I think it's kind of cute that she's only used her cell phone for thirteen minutes over the last 7 years (truth).

Beer and Royal Wedding and Shit

I'm having my afternoon beer right now, and because I'm six feet tall and two pounds (it's true -- sometimes you can roll up your cheap date like a Fruit By The Foot. Although things can get weird when you take her back to your house and peel off her wrapper), I'm feeling a little tipsy. Which makes me want to do this on the keyboard: asdkfa oweiur w[oeifja[sdfjawefkjwqpoeifjalsdkfj. Can you believe I included punctuation at the end of that mess? I'm proud that, even while intoxicated, I will end a motherfucking sentence corrrectly. But then I will put three r's in "correctly" two sentences later and be totally cool with it.

Royal Fucking Wedding. [Alcohol makes me so damned cussy]. I think Will and Kate really missed out on something seriously fantastic by not including "Fucking" in their wedding invitations. Although, what do I know? I sure as shit wasn't invited. But I guarantee that if I was I would have put a perfect litttle check mark next to "chicken". Right. Like the a Prince of England has ever even seen a chicken. He probably thinks commoners are chickens and that he eats a butcher or a baker once every three dinners (because the rotate in England -- chicken, steak, veggie patty).

All the royal wedding nonsense absolutely forced me to grab Levi, pull him close to me, and tell him that he's my prince. So Levi, in our tiny house, starts jumping back and forth and says "East wing, west wing, east wing, west wing." I thought it was funny. Levi deserves an extra colorful bar on his hoody. Something that'll go with the epaulettes.

Once again, a totally meaningless post. Beckause. I'm doing a good job.

China is Weird

Thanks to an episode of South Park, I now know who Wing the Chinese Dancing Queen is. What's with you, China? Do you have dehydrated chicken feet in your ears? Or maybe there's a giant wall in between you and the hundreds of YouTube videos I just watched.

Wing sings AC/DC:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kqa-HYihaZo

Wing is apparently huge in China. They love her. She's like their Justin Bieber, but without the hoody. Seriously. Every time a cat's in heat a million young Chinese girls flock to the scene. Then when they find out it was just a cat in heat, they skin it, dehydrate it, then cover it in chocolate and call it an after school snack.