Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Mom Fight
When you're walking through a heavily-gardened neighborhood after a good rain, things smell awfully good. It makes you want to grow things, but mainly peonies because they're big and heavy, they're gorgeous, and they're the only flower that doubles as a pillow. So I called my mom today to ask her to keep an eye out for a peony bush, and somehow the conversation got turned around so that I'm in trouble for being a bad wife. You know how moms sometimes ask questions that they don't need to ask? Like what you ate for dinner? Or were you the one to make the dinner? And if you weren't the one to make the dinner, why weren't you the one to make the dinner? Let me just clear things up for everyone -- if you're the girl in the boy/girl thang, you're the one that's supposed to make the dinner. Also, you should know what the boy half of the thang ate for dinner even if you weren't eating the dinner with him. Because that's your job. You're the girl. You do the food. Make sure you know what's going on. The worst part of the whole thing? My mom tells me that "if your dad were around he'd have a shit hemorrhage". Which is both a pretty nasty mental picture and a blow below the garter belt. Thanks, mom.
So that ended well -- I told Mom that just because she's hot on Cleaver doesn't mean everyone else is. Especially her daughter who enjoys sporting events, motorcycles, and pants.
P.S. Sometimes I enjoy making meals. I always enjoy vacuuming, and I get a strange high from sweeping the floor. But tell me it's the woman's job to do anything, and I swear to god I'll rip my bra off (already off -- see post: http://beckause.blogspot.com/2011/05/to-bra-or-not-to-bra.html) and set something less expensive on fire.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Up Next, The End of the World
I hate the local news. I'm gonna go a little further -- I hate the national news. I hate mostly all news on the television. I enjoy NPR news because they do not tell me things like "we did a test and it turns out this new product won't keep those bees out of your pants when you have honey all over your ass", and "Lady Gaga did something totally and absolutely weird and you'll never believe why she has salmonella poisoning". Jeez. Come on, local news. Just because you have a windsock and a helicopter doesn't mean you need to be all up in our grills -- we don't care which way the wind is blowing, and we do not need to see an aerial view of traffic accident aftermath unless there's hair and teeth on the pavement (you'll never see this -- the hair and teeth guy has a much quicker chopper).
The local news enjoys covering "stories" that don't need to be covered. Like when some guy's Magic Eight Ball tells him the end of the world is going to be tomorrow. Heads up, local news -- the more attention you pay to Crazy Uncle Gary, the more times Crazy Uncle Gary is going to give you a noogie. That's why all of your newscasters have such awful hair.
Just F.Y.I, here are a few things that will end the world before CUG (feel free to let me know what I've missed):
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Mudzilla
It's been raining like Charlie Sheen's still working and god's chosen to punish him by drowning him out of his touring trailer. This means two things -- god is not vengeful enough, and our backyard is mud. Which gives our dog these fantastic mittens. Thanks a lot, god.
Maybe next time you could just make it rain Ashton Kutcher.
Newsletter
Lady Gaga says she still has moments when she feels like a loser. And in those moments she refers to herself as Lady Sweatpants.
[above: Lady Gaga changing out of her sweatpants]
Donald Trump says President Obama wasn't qualified for the Ivy League. It's the usual Ivy League problem -- too many brains, not enough hair.
Some scientists think the universe may have begun as a one dimensional line. And if you've checked Snooki's Twitter account recently, things have more or less come to a complete circle.
Donald Trump thinks "our leaders are stupid". Which is a funny thing to say when they're not the ones who let Gary Busey into their office.
George W. Bush declined an invitation from President Obama to attend an observance at New York's ground zero. He would've loved to go, but he had squares and circles and triangles to fit into a wooden box.
"Thor" was number one at the box office over the weekend. You know, Thor -- God of Milk Duds.
Sarah Palin has asked a judge to extend a restraining order against a man accused of stalking her. Can you believe it? This guy would throw a newspaper onto Sarah's doorstep every morning and just ride away on his bicycle.
Lady Gaga plans to make a cameo on Facebook's FarmVille. And boy will those chickens be confused when they hatch THAT egg.
San Francisco is trying to ban the distribution of phone books. Some people are outraged, as it could force small children to sit on Sarah Palin memoirs in order to reach the table.
Bristol Palin says she had reconstructive jaw surgery, and not plastic surgery. That's what they all say before they beat up their first Betty Ford nurse.
Leonardo DiCaprio and his supermodel girlfriend have split. Just goes to show -- a girl can only wait around for her boyfriend to fall off the ship wreckage for so long.
Queen Elizabeth has become the UK's second-longest reigning monarch. That makes two records Queen Elizabeth is close to achieving -- longest reigning monarch and quickest time through the original Mario Brothers.
Republicans are upset about President Obama inviting a rapper to a White House poetry night. There are rappers, there's basketball, there are cool handshakes -- it's almost like a black guy's President.
Flood gates have been opened in Mississippi. Thanks goodness obesity floats.
Lady Gaga and Madonna are distant cousins. No wonder their potato salad recipes taste so similar.
Justin Bieber was egged during a Sydney performance. This kid is really getting huge -- I mean, first it's young girls, and now young chickens are throwing themselves at him.
A scientist claims that the last supper was a day earlier than originally thought. And, yes, that was the day Jesus and the disciples tried putting a Peep in the microwave.
The lawsuit that sought to force Taco Bell to stop calling the meat it serves "beef" has been dropped. This after Taco Bell agreed to start calling the brown stuff in its tacos "meef".
President Obama toured Facebook headquarters. And everything was going just fine until he fell into the chocolate river.
657 new islands have been discovered worldwide. In other words, that's 657 seasons of "Survivor" before they have to start filming in Detroit.
NASA says no American astronauts have had sex in space. But only because they haven't yet figured out a way to dehydrate Snooki.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
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