Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue -- Give Me Some Banjo, I'll Give You Some, Too

Nothing says I love you like a concrete heart.

Or when you and your Valentine get each other the same Valentine, and that Valentine is a ticket to a bluegrass show, which will feature one of these guys.

For the Ladies

"A man may work from sun to sun, but woman's work is never done." A woman said that to me right after I walked out of my kitchen.

"I can't imagine a single dad raising a child -- it would be so much harder for a man to have to do that." I heard a woman say that.

"Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" A woman said that to me before Levi and I were married.

Attention! Good news! Women don't have to say things like this anymore! Many women have fought very hard so that my He-Man action figures could have a winter Caslte Grayskull and a summer Castle Grayskull. So that I could sometimes be the half of the heterosexual couple that sits in her underpants on the couch watching football while her husband cleans the countertops. Still don't believe me?

This is a picture of a woman voting. She would like to abolish the hat tax.

This is a photo of a woman doing woman's work. She's undercooking a chicken-based soup, which later liberated her husband's bowels.

This is a photo of a woman throwing her bra into the Freedom trash can.

She did it so that women would be free to cover their breasts with even more uncomfortable garments.

This is a photo of Sandra Day O'Connor. She's the first woman to sit in the female section of the Supreme Court lunchroom.

This is a photo of Danica Patrick. She's the first woman to drive in an Indy race wearing nothing but a set of pasties.

This is a photo of Kim Kardashian. She's the first woman to stuff a quilt into her underpants.

Ladies, by the power of Grayskull, you are liberated! Now get out there in your high heeled boots, your weird little mini-skirt/cape bustier thing, put on your golden tiara, and let your golden mane flow in the winds of Ete. Get that mighty sword out and use it as something other than a casserole-cutter.

Food On My Dog + Glitter Bombing Mitt Romney's Sundae Hole

Just heard about this blog, Food On My Dog, and really really like it. Especially since I have a dog who will not allow me to put food on his head -- his sundae hole is always open. Which, coincidentally, is the punch line to any number of GOP candidate jokes. Speaking of GOP candidate jokes, Rick Santorum is calling Mitt Romney "Mr. Big Government". Which is creepy, since that's what Mitt's wife calls him in bed.

Newsletter

New research finds that people with a low IQ are more likely to be prejudiced. It's not that they have a low IQ, it's just sometimes when a guy's taking an intelligence test, that darned hooded sheet's always getting in the way.

Newt Gingrich has been sued for his use of the "Rocky III" theme song. Which is fine since pretty soon Newt will be wearing the sweatpants from the same film.

Princes William and Harry are revealing some insider secrets about their grandmother, the Queen. For instance, on May 6th, 2002, she put her elbows on the table.

Despite losing big in Florida, Newt Gingrich is undeterred. In his mind, he's just divorcing Florida and moving on to the next state.

Fox News is celebrating being number one in cable news for ten years. Bill O'Reilly's celebrating by putting one of his guests in a headlock and calling him a terrorist.

Mitt Romney got glitter bombed. He would've talked more about it, but getting glitter bombed sounds way too homosexual for a Republican to mention.

Eat, Pray -- Well, Maybe Not Pray

I'm embarrassed to say that "Eat, Pray, Love" is currently in my stack of 15-35 books-in-progress. It makes me feel a little bit whinier, a little bit gooier, and a little bit like a reader who's dropped her standards pants. I kind of imagine that everyone who's read it is a woman who asks somebody or an audience of cats every day if her butt looks fat in something. And of course it does. The butt looks fat. Fat fat fat. Quit asking. I find the book a bit taxing on the part of my brain that has its feet on the pub floor, but because of a Radiolab bit I heard in which Elizabeth Gilbert muses on the muse (http://www.radiolab.org/2011/mar/08/me-myself-and-muse/), I think I'll continue to read, let my bookmark look fat in that book.

Another book in that tottering stack is "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins, which reads a little like if Elizabeth Gilbert got run over by a freight train. It's a little...if-there-were-a-god-it-wouldn't-let-you-wear-those-godawful-yoga-pants-in-public ish. And, not surprisingly, he mentions THE BIBLE every now and then. Dawkins doesn't really make fun of it, he just finds it strange that people would take dead seriously a book that for example has been copied and pasted over the course of many generations using one of those first century word processors (you know, the ones old enough that the Oregon Trail characters come down with leprosy instead of cholera, and in place squirrel-hunting, they shoot at Samaritans from their covered wagons). I just finished a bit reminding the reader that lots and lots of people glean their morals from THE BIBLE, and how that's weird because in THE BIBLE God asks so-and-so to kill his son before he goes to what's-that-nation to wipe out what's-that-civilization, but only after whatshisname thoughtfully offers his virgin daughters in place of a couple of visiting angels to a mob of drunken Super Bowl fans who gang rape them in a kiddie pool full of seven layer bean dip, and so on. And Richard Dawkins would ask you to kindly hold on to the "but that's only in the old testament" argument for many reasons. I would ask you to hold on to it because the new testament belongs to Jesus, Jesus was a Jew, and Jews don't eat bacon.

Things That Might Happen When Your Husband Puts on Tights

He might

Or he might

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