Segway: The Leader in Personal Lameness

This is the best shot I could get from my bike of a Segway tour rolling across the Platte River:

You've seen it before -- an older fellow wearing brightly-colored football team-themed pajama pants, a button down silk shirt, and a Bell helmet from the 90's leading a herd of Segway virgins to his sacred, secluded tent site to become his spiritual wives. Don't do it. Don't take the Segway tour. Just don't.

But in case you were wondering, Segway has a whole shitstorm of vehicles. You can get the regular Segway, or the turf Segway, or the golf Segway, or you can stick to the American favorite, the lawnmower Segway, which is just like a Segway, but a riding lawnmower. That last one comes with a beer cooler.

Segway calls itself "the leader in personal, green transportation," which I think Nike may have something to say about. Segway would contest because if you lean too far forward on your Nike Free Runs (a shoe, or a well-cushioned laxative?), you will fall on your face, but if you lean too far forward on your Segway, you will look retarded at a different angle.

Mormon Wives or a Roll of Smarties?

You decide:

Scab Friday Super Preview

Just like the time when I was seven and tried to ride my banana-seated bike without hands and stand up at the same time, or the time when I was a famous French actor and urinated in front of my fellow passengers on an airplane (but less like that time), things got ugly yesterday.

Newsletter

A new U.S. poet laureate has been named. He's not a great poet, but he knows a bunch of words that rhyme with "double A credit rating".

Six people were struck by lightning at Sea World Tuesday. Turns out the novelty harpoon hats were a bad idea for a lot of reasons.

Bono is encouraging Americans to donate to help ease the famine in Somalia. The irony is that Bono would raise more money if he encouraged people to donate to help ease the Bono.

A new study finds that women are more likely to gain weight after they get married, while men are more likely to gain weight after a divorce. In other words, along with the house, the cars and the kids, everybody gets their fair share of fat in the end.

Presidential candidate Rick Perry says he does not believe in manmade global warming. And he especially doesn't believe that two manmade global warmings should be able to marry.

President Obama spent the weekend on Martha's Vineyard. And, yeah, he did get some sand in his jobs plan.

The demand for water will increase five times by 2050. No thanks to "Jersey Shore", which makes everyone want to take an extra long shower after every episode.

Lady Gaga has been hired to reinterpret Santa's workshop for Macy's in New York this year. Kids who show up wearing reindeer meat get first dibs at Santa's lap.

Glenn Beck hosted a rally in Israel. It's exactly what so many people want to see -- Glenn Beck traveling to the suicide vests.

Moammar Gadhafi is refusing to surrender. But just wait until Libyan rebels pull out their secret weapon -- a tickle attack.

Lady Gaga's been practicing her surfing skills. It's not the surfing she's interested it -- it's getting some use out of the chum dress.

A 1957 Ferrari sold at an auction Saturday for $16.4 million, the highest amount ever paid for any car at auction. As opposed to the lowest amount ever paid for any car at auction, which was for a classic that Gerard Depardieu peed in.

A spill of frozen bull semen temporarily shut down a U.S. interstate highway in Arizona during the morning rush hour Tuesday. The most embarrassing part was having to go back to those good-looking, college-educated bulls and asking for another donation.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney has a new memoir out. And there are some pretty shocking things in it -- like, did you know that, in order to get it to talk, Cheney once waterboarded a piece of pie?

IKEA Turds

I moseyed through all 67,459 acres of the new IKEA this morning with Momso, and I must say, it was not how I like to do my shoppin'. We drove through miles of traffic cones and sweaty guys with flags, wedged into one of a gabillion stackable, we-love-small-spaces parking slots, then got right into the log jam of flesh and bones and pushed our way through the whole store like a too-big turd. Did you know that 492 people can fit into a 395 square foot IKEA example room? It's true -- you just hang a few in the closet, stack a few in cute little stackable boxes, stuff a few into the under-the-bed storage area, and you're all set. 492 people. One tiny room. I want to make another turd reference, but I shall resist.

We walked out empty-handed, but slick with other peoples' sweat. Not in the sexy way. In the way that makes you throw up a little in your mouth.

I saw a lot of this:

No, that is not a papasan that will look nice in your neatly-organized living room full of Swedish furniture. It is an ass the size of American Furniture Warehouse blocking your little turd path to the parking lot. And it will play some serious D. Move to the left? AFW ass moves to the left. Spin move to the right? AFW ass puts a hurt on. You will not get around AFW ass, so get used to looking at the wall of Poang chairs before you for at least the next five minutes. Then look at AFW ass until it moves to children's furniture where you will spend another ten to fifteen minutes thinking that these things would look nice in your house if you were a breeder and you wanted your kid to sleep under a giant fake leaf.

Which your kid might like. Or it could give her nightmares about a giant, or the creepy teacher at school turning her into some sort of a delicious lettuce wrap.

Rorschach Test

What is it?

Probably a clown smoking a cigar, but maybe a tank being driven by a raindrop.

Scab Friday

Mountain biking makes you bleed.