Pictures of the Week

This is our eco-hearse, otherwise known as a Big Dummy. It carries beer, groceries, rocks, hula hoops, beer, severed limbs, camping chairs, dog crates, beer, and mannequins. The other day Levi rode home from work with the mannequins strapped to the Dummy, and he tells me he received zero whistles, honks, or thrown eggs, which is so completely strange. Okay, maybe you only get whistles and honks when you have boobs and legs. But, come on -- no eggs? Anyway, let us know if the upper half of your body ever needs a ride anywhere. Extra charge if you have arms and/or organs.

This is Henry -- he's the dog lying down keeping watch over the seventeen tennis balls he wrangled up from all four poop corners at the dog park. Not knowing that the collection was Henry's, I kicked one for Thelonious, who was soon stripped by ball hog Henry, who brought the little felt planet back to his stinky little doggy solar system. When Henry's owner told him it was time to go, he began packing tennis balls into his mouth like he was one of those Nerf cannons. He left approximately seven urine stains, one pile of stink, and fourteen tennis balls behind.

Apple Store Limbo

I hadn't known until today that Pope Benedict XVI cancelled part of Limbo. You know Limbo -- the crispy black burnt edge of hell where people go when god doesn't know what to do with them. It's like an eternal DMV waiting room, but without the out-of-order Pepsi machine and employees armed with slow computer systems and pitchforks, although that would be a nice touch. Actually, the Pope only cancelled part of Limbo -- the Limbo of Infants where unbaptized babies go if they refused to play with a Catholic priest's rattle. Catholics are weird period, but it's even weirder that they're cool with it when a disintegrating dude in a funny hat cancels parts of the eternal afterlife.

I was in the Apple store, feeling very Appley, with a mall gift card to burn and a computer without a neoprene sleeve. So I picked a sleeve out and headed to the register, only there was no register because it's the Apple store, and Apple is a progressive company. Thank god all 57 Apple employees were wearing the same t-shirt, or I wouldn't have been able to find four employees in a row who couldn't help me. The fifth guy told me if I had an iPhone I could download an App that would let me check myself out. Which, at first, sounded excitingly vain, but, at second, was just annoying. I downloaded the App, only I wanted to use this mall gift card, and my Apple account wouldn't have allowed that. At that point I was near the exit and realized I could most likely walk out of the Apple store with the sleeve without paying for it, which I really did think about doing because I was so annoyed that it was so hard to pay for something in a retail store. But I'm afraid of stealing like a white girl's afraid of stealing, so I found a guy in the shirt of the week and asked again how I could buy this thing, so he sent me to an employee who sent me toan employee who had the special card swiper, which ended this debacle, and netted me an overpriced computer sweater. I'm not the Pope, but I'd have to say maybe the Catholic team needs to have a meeting and agree that, maybe there's not an eternity where unbaptized babies go when they die, but there is most certainly an uncomfortable eternity where Apple customers go when they need a swimming suit for their computer.

Bacon-Wrapped, Cheese-Stuffed Uterus

Talk of the Nation featured a story about how some states are passing bills that will require women who choose abortion to receive an ultrasound before going through with the procedure. And she'd get the kind of ultrasound built for the earlier weeks of pregnancy, which, instead of the usual goopy outside-of-the-belly monitor, involves inserting an electrified summer sausage (probably also goopy) into the woman's mitt*.

*mitt [mit], noun:

1) a part of a woman that gives men pleasure.

2) a part of a woman that makes a man absolutely, for sure, totally not gay.

3) the shape of the state that Mitt Romney was born in and that has trees of the right height.

Let's go over the GOP's current perspective on women's reproductive health:

A) Birth control is a sin. Don't take it.

B) Whoopsie, did you get pregnant? Why don't you step into these fun stirrups for a minute while we take a picture. And if you wait over here while your photos are printing, Rick Santorum would like to pray with you and the fetus inside of you that might someday wear a sweater vest and fight hard against basic human rights.

C) Also, we were wondering, ma'am -- do you weigh the same as a duck?

Virginia State Senator Janet Howell recently proposed a bill that would require men to undergo a rectal exam and a cardiac stress test before they could be prescribed medication for erectile dysfunction. Which is about as satisfying as the taste of bacon-wrapped dates stuffed with bleu cheese.

I'm sorry to say Senator Howell's bill is not a law, but I'm very happy to report that the bacon treats did pass just this morning.

Where Are Your Off-Center Tennis Shoes with the Weird-Looking Long Faces When You Need Them?

This is a gallery in the Clyfford Still Museum.

This is a painting I like in the Clyfford Still Museum.

This is one of my grody neon green tennis shoes in front of a painting I like in the Clyfford Still Museum.

My shoes were embarrassed to be expressive, but not abstract. Sorry, Clyfford Still.

Yoga-lonious

Thelonious enjoys being a part of Levi's morning routine. He likes to get hit in the big nose with leg lifts. He likes to sniff loose pants during the warrior pose. He likes to sit on feet during sit-ups.

He just likes to be a part of things.

But mostly he likes the after party when he can do the farty zen pose on somebody's lap.

Newsletter

Newt Gingrich is upset about President Obama's plan to offer free birth control. Newt thinks he's mad about that, wait'll he hears about the President's plan to offer women free divorce control.

Queen Elizabeth and her new granddaughter-in-law, Kate, are teaming up for a royal event. I don't know about Kate, but the Queen will be there, which means there will be doughnuts on a string.

Tim Tebow says politics may be in his future. What Tim doesn't know is that, in politics, the interns are supposed to do all of the kneeling.

New Jersey is flying its flags at half mast for Whitney Houston. Which would be an honor if Jersey hadn't flown its flags at half mast when Snookie tripped over an empty bottle of rum and hit her head on a hot tub.

A skydiver plans to attempt a record-breaking supersonic space jump. That explains why Mitt Romney has that new ad out proposing to limit Americans' intake of Mountain Dew.

Sarah Palin has an article in Newsweek. And a noun, and an adverb, and a preposition.

Rick Santorum is calling Mitt Romney "Mr. Big Government". Which is creepy, since that's what Mitt's wife calls him in bed.

Google has an entertainment device in the works. Word has it it'll be the most expensive ribbon on a stick ever.

Oprah's apologizing. Which I think is one of the signs of the second coming.

A 14 year-old who went to college at 8 has written a book. Meanwhile, I've learned how to eat a Dorito off of my elbow.

Rick Santorum has a new plan for America. He's not saying what it is, but I have a feeling it involves a man and a woman and a sweater vest.

Angelina Jolie broke down at the premier of her new movie. She was so emotional, she ended up adopting her Sour Patch Kids.

Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue -- Give Me Some Banjo, I'll Give You Some, Too

Nothing says I love you like a concrete heart.

Or when you and your Valentine get each other the same Valentine, and that Valentine is a ticket to a bluegrass show, which will feature one of these guys.