Newsletter

IKEA says it regrets that it removed images of women from its Saudi Arabian catalogues. Who has room for women when you're trying to pack a bed, a dining table, and a couch all into the same 100 square-foot space?

Georgia Congressman Paul Broun says evolution, embryology, and the Big Bang theory are "lies from the pit of hell." You know, hell -- the thing God created right after he made congressmen.

Vladimir Putin just had a birthday. He celebrated as he does every year -- by rescuing a litter of rare puppies from an active volcano while dangling, bare-chested, from a helicopter.

The Mormon church has lowered age requirements for missionaries. It used to be 18, but they've changed the requirement to being tall enough to knock.

U.S. Protestants have lost majority status. That title has officially transferred to Americans wearing howling wolf t-shirts.

Cattle farmers who are struggling with record corn prices are feeding their cows candy. Now you can order your steak medium, medium well, or with sprinkles.

Mitt Romney says he would pursue no abortion legislation if elected president. As if Mitt wasn't enough of a ladies' man.

A 14-year-old German boy pawned some of his mom's jewelry so he'd have money to visit a brothel. The kid will get a spanking, just not of the variety he was hoping for.

Florida Governor Rick Scott accidentally gave out a sex hotline number instead of a meningitis hotline number. See? Meningitis isn't all bad.

Taylor Swift says drinking wine makes her "feel classy". You know what else makes her feel classy? Not dating Kanye West.

Urban Outfitters: what happens when ugly sofas have drunk sex

Urban Outfitters has evolved over the years. It once was a store where you could buy hip, urban-ish clothing, then it was a store where you could buy hip, uban-ish, but pretty weird clothing, and now it's a store where you can buy things that the Goodwill won't even sell. Seriously, UO is that bag of weird cardigans, stirrup pants, and curtains in the back of the Goodwill that not even homeless people or naked windows will wear.

It's quite possible that Urban Outfitters is some kind of messed-up social experiment sponsored by NBC's "Dateline". You remember when Dateline's "To Catch a Predator" host Chris Hansen would suddenly appear during what some freshly-Old Spiced pedophile thought was going to be a hot night of My Little Pony reenactments? That's what I think might happen with Urban Outfitters. People will start wearing their acid wash jean vests and poinsettia-print velour  stretch pants with some seriousness, then Chris Hansen will pop out from behind their floor mirror with a video camera and a bunch of questions you can't answer, like "Why are you wearing that?" Forcing you to flee with your leopard-print patent leather shame. 

Judging from the most recent Urban Outfitters catalog, we are nearing the end of the experiment, as its hot buffet of photographs is clearly what happens when a bunch of ugly sofas have a night of drunk sex, then throw up all over skinny people.

And the pointing fingers award goes to...

How about that vice presidential debate, huh? Two guys who really want to be the guy who basically does nothing while some other guy is President. Talking very loudly. Sometimes yelling. And pointing really hard at each other.

Far and away my favorite part of the VP debate was the use of the word "malarky," which I think could only have been topped by the use of the word "poppycock," which, note to the presidential candidates, could sway my vote this year. But also any year, so future presidential candidates, you guys take note, too. Poppycock. Work it in there. But not in the dirty way.

A big thumbs up to Joe Biden for laughing during Paul Ryan's responses so often because, one, pretty boy needs to be laughed at, and, two, I mean, what else are you gonna do during a vice presidential debate? Pretend like you're taking notes when you're actually just drawing yourself as President? Wearing a crown? Yeah, the first President of the United States with a crown. And a red, white, and blue Batmobile. That's a convertible. That'd be awesome.

Newsletter

A new CDC report shows that more children are swallowing small batteries. And, no, "Eat My Batteries Elmo" didn't help one bit.

A new study shows that people with purple bedrooms have the most active sex lives. Let me clarify -- people with purple bedrooms, and zero Star Wars action figures.

A 7-year old Colorado girl survived the Bubonic Plague. Another win for Flintstones vitamins.

Snooki is showing off her new baby. Hopefully soon someone will let her know that you're supposed to carry those things with the head at the top.

Dick Cheney is taking jabs at President Obama. The President's just glad Cheney's not taking shots.

A new study shows that letting babies cry for a minute is okay. Let them cry for a bit, THEN explain to them the consequences of shaking a baby.

Bob Dylan has a new album. You have to give him credit -- most old guys his age are just talking to empty chairs.

The iPhone 5 is now for sale. Goodbye Siri, hello James Earl Jones.Some creationists are boycotting Dr. Pepper. But they'll be back just as soon as Dr. Pepper admits that, on the third day, God created corn syrup.

Mitt Romney is trying to connect with latino voters. He says he and Ann always drive around with a bag of Taco Bell strapped to the roof of their car.

A faded piece of papyrus referring to Jesus' wife has been found. You don't turn a vat of water into wine and end up going home alone.

Russia has revealed that an asteroid field in Siberia contains as much as $1 trillion in diamonds. If Vladimir Putin hasn't gone swimming bare-chested in them, I'm not interested.

Chick-fil-A has agreed to stop funding anti-gay groups. They've finally realized that even guys with excellent taste in home decorating have poor taste in chicken sandwiches.

Signs you shouldn't rent that house

If you're looking for a place to rent, here are a few things to avoid:

1. The "For Rent" sign is chained to the house.

2. The neighborhood meth dealer is chained to the house.

3. The neighborhood meth dealer is chained to the "For Rent" sign that's chained to the house.

USA Pro Cycling Challenge Half-A-Brat Hand-Up

No rider at the USA Pro Cycling Challenge time trial race a week ago even thought about taking my half-a-brat hand up. 

Newsletter

Billionaire George Soros is getting married for the third time. She's forty, and he's 20 billion.

Kenny G has filed for divorce. Obviously his wife got tired of having the second-best perm in the house.

A man accidentally shot himself in the buttocks at a Nevada movie theater. At least he didn't shoot himself in the ten-dollar popcorn.

Augusta National has admitted its first women. They'll be officially inducted and given their green aprons in the very near future.

Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan both condemn Congressman Yoder, who went for a skinny dip in the Sea of Galilee. It gives a bad name to the Republican party when its congressmen are having fun that doesn't discriminate against women.

Lance Armstrong's titles have been stripped from him. But something tells me there's basically just one important thing you can take from a guy who's already lost a testicle to cancer.

A new Gawker report shows that Mitt Romney is hiding lots of money in offshore accounts. Not only that, but Neil Armstrong just died, and he's the only guy who knew about Mitt's stash on the moon.

Snooki has given birth to a baby boy. She can't wait until the little guy's big enough to drag mommy out of her own vomit.

Katy Perry turned down a $20 million deal to be a judge on "American Idol". American Idol's mistake was offering Katy money instead of Ring Pops and candy necklaces.

A man trying to create a Bigfoot hoax died on a Montana highway after being hit by two cars. Nothing helps disprove a Bigfoot theory like scraping a guy in a wookie suit off the road.

Mitt Romney's advisors are trying to improve his image. Please tell me they remember what happened when they added lipstick to Sarah Palin.

Ann Romney says she doesn't like using a teleprompter. Almost as much as Sarah Palin hated using a subscription to "The Washington Post".

Michele Bachmann says that President Obama's "extreme wealth" disallows him from relating to "the common man". All part of Michele's campaign to be the first woman forcefully sent to Mars.

They're still cleaning up the confetti at the GOP convention. They want to get every single piece of it since they made it out of Mitt's last ten years of tax returns.