The incident of the spread-out bee parts on the Burt's Bees

I bought a bottle of Burt's Bees honey and milk lotion. While taking it out of a bag, I noticed a bee head on my hand, then the rest of the bee, in spread-out and crunchy bee pieces on the bottle of Burt's Bees. Say what you will about Burt, but his bees are motherfucking committed. 

Presidential blahblahblah debate round-up

Great debate. Really quality stuff. It kind of reminded me of the time in high school when I prepared for the wrong side of a Federalism debate, then got up in front of the class and sweat profusely through some ugly nineties sweater from the clearance section of the Gap. Only at least my sweater was more interesting than two grown men not having to explain themselves. It would've been great if one of the candidates had prepared for the other guy's side and then accidentally kissed the other guy's wife at the conclusion, which is not what I did because, you know...braces.

Speaking of lips, did you see that part of the debate where President Obama and Mitt Romney looked like they were either going to hit each other in the governator, or make out with each other awkwardly like in that scene from "American Beauty" where the psycho Army dad kisses Kevin Spacey's character because the psycho Army dad thought his son was giving Kevin Spacey's character blow jobs, but really psycho Army dad had some very pent-up sexuality, which he needed to let out after years of hiding behind a buzz cut and a cabinet full of antique firearms and Nazi dinnerware? Why couldn't they have just kissed? Or, Jesus, throw us a bone -- some lube wrestling maybe? We don't hit the mute button during your campaign ads and immediately recycle your political pamphlets for nothing.

And thank goodness Mitt Romney has solved the problem of gun violence: if a person has two parents (presumably a man and a woman, since same-sex couples cannot operate as parents when they are pillars of salt), that person will not put a cap in yo ass.  

Have we learned by now that the debate timer is total bullshit? The countdown clock turns yellow, then it turns red, then it disappears, and the candidate gets to keep talking. Until he's done. Unless the other guy says something he disagrees with, then he can butt in and say more when it's not his turn. Why do we have this countdown clock? To remind us that time is infinite, like God on money, and congressional holidays, and the federal deficit. When your time is out, you should have to stop talking. Then the moderator will turn the air on in your private booth, and you'll have a chance to swat at and stuff dollar bills into your shirt until it's your turn to speak again. 

Newsletter

IKEA says it regrets that it removed images of women from its Saudi Arabian catalogues. Who has room for women when you're trying to pack a bed, a dining table, and a couch all into the same 100 square-foot space?

Georgia Congressman Paul Broun says evolution, embryology, and the Big Bang theory are "lies from the pit of hell." You know, hell -- the thing God created right after he made congressmen.

Vladimir Putin just had a birthday. He celebrated as he does every year -- by rescuing a litter of rare puppies from an active volcano while dangling, bare-chested, from a helicopter.

The Mormon church has lowered age requirements for missionaries. It used to be 18, but they've changed the requirement to being tall enough to knock.

U.S. Protestants have lost majority status. That title has officially transferred to Americans wearing howling wolf t-shirts.

Cattle farmers who are struggling with record corn prices are feeding their cows candy. Now you can order your steak medium, medium well, or with sprinkles.

Mitt Romney says he would pursue no abortion legislation if elected president. As if Mitt wasn't enough of a ladies' man.

A 14-year-old German boy pawned some of his mom's jewelry so he'd have money to visit a brothel. The kid will get a spanking, just not of the variety he was hoping for.

Florida Governor Rick Scott accidentally gave out a sex hotline number instead of a meningitis hotline number. See? Meningitis isn't all bad.

Taylor Swift says drinking wine makes her "feel classy". You know what else makes her feel classy? Not dating Kanye West.

Urban Outfitters: what happens when ugly sofas have drunk sex

Urban Outfitters has evolved over the years. It once was a store where you could buy hip, urban-ish clothing, then it was a store where you could buy hip, uban-ish, but pretty weird clothing, and now it's a store where you can buy things that the Goodwill won't even sell. Seriously, UO is that bag of weird cardigans, stirrup pants, and curtains in the back of the Goodwill that not even homeless people or naked windows will wear.

It's quite possible that Urban Outfitters is some kind of messed-up social experiment sponsored by NBC's "Dateline". You remember when Dateline's "To Catch a Predator" host Chris Hansen would suddenly appear during what some freshly-Old Spiced pedophile thought was going to be a hot night of My Little Pony reenactments? That's what I think might happen with Urban Outfitters. People will start wearing their acid wash jean vests and poinsettia-print velour  stretch pants with some seriousness, then Chris Hansen will pop out from behind their floor mirror with a video camera and a bunch of questions you can't answer, like "Why are you wearing that?" Forcing you to flee with your leopard-print patent leather shame. 

Judging from the most recent Urban Outfitters catalog, we are nearing the end of the experiment, as its hot buffet of photographs is clearly what happens when a bunch of ugly sofas have a night of drunk sex, then throw up all over skinny people.

And the pointing fingers award goes to...

How about that vice presidential debate, huh? Two guys who really want to be the guy who basically does nothing while some other guy is President. Talking very loudly. Sometimes yelling. And pointing really hard at each other.

Far and away my favorite part of the VP debate was the use of the word "malarky," which I think could only have been topped by the use of the word "poppycock," which, note to the presidential candidates, could sway my vote this year. But also any year, so future presidential candidates, you guys take note, too. Poppycock. Work it in there. But not in the dirty way.

A big thumbs up to Joe Biden for laughing during Paul Ryan's responses so often because, one, pretty boy needs to be laughed at, and, two, I mean, what else are you gonna do during a vice presidential debate? Pretend like you're taking notes when you're actually just drawing yourself as President? Wearing a crown? Yeah, the first President of the United States with a crown. And a red, white, and blue Batmobile. That's a convertible. That'd be awesome.

Newsletter

A new CDC report shows that more children are swallowing small batteries. And, no, "Eat My Batteries Elmo" didn't help one bit.

A new study shows that people with purple bedrooms have the most active sex lives. Let me clarify -- people with purple bedrooms, and zero Star Wars action figures.

A 7-year old Colorado girl survived the Bubonic Plague. Another win for Flintstones vitamins.

Snooki is showing off her new baby. Hopefully soon someone will let her know that you're supposed to carry those things with the head at the top.

Dick Cheney is taking jabs at President Obama. The President's just glad Cheney's not taking shots.

A new study shows that letting babies cry for a minute is okay. Let them cry for a bit, THEN explain to them the consequences of shaking a baby.

Bob Dylan has a new album. You have to give him credit -- most old guys his age are just talking to empty chairs.

The iPhone 5 is now for sale. Goodbye Siri, hello James Earl Jones.Some creationists are boycotting Dr. Pepper. But they'll be back just as soon as Dr. Pepper admits that, on the third day, God created corn syrup.

Mitt Romney is trying to connect with latino voters. He says he and Ann always drive around with a bag of Taco Bell strapped to the roof of their car.

A faded piece of papyrus referring to Jesus' wife has been found. You don't turn a vat of water into wine and end up going home alone.

Russia has revealed that an asteroid field in Siberia contains as much as $1 trillion in diamonds. If Vladimir Putin hasn't gone swimming bare-chested in them, I'm not interested.

Chick-fil-A has agreed to stop funding anti-gay groups. They've finally realized that even guys with excellent taste in home decorating have poor taste in chicken sandwiches.

Signs you shouldn't rent that house

If you're looking for a place to rent, here are a few things to avoid:

1. The "For Rent" sign is chained to the house.

2. The neighborhood meth dealer is chained to the house.

3. The neighborhood meth dealer is chained to the "For Rent" sign that's chained to the house.