Springtime for Hitler and Germany and Dog Doo

I'm watching the afternoon news and they've got their crazy, wacky science guy on, and if wasn't clear before, it is clear now -- people like watching shit blow up.

It's springtime! A season know for shit blowing up -- shit's coming into bloom, which causes shit to come out of your head in giant, frothy explosions we have come to know as sneezes. Here's to spring!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHmYIo7bcUw

If you haven't seen The Producers, it's worth it just to see what costume designers can get to stick to a pair of boobs -- giant pretzels? Check. Beer-filled steins? No problem.

If you have a dog, spring is also a time to get out into the yard and hunt for a winter's worth of dog poop. Usually this isn't exciting or blog-worthy, but this year I found something I think Sotheby's might be interested in.

Is this awesome, or what? A few months ago Thelonious got ahold of one of Levi's socks. Turns out our dog wasn't being a pest, he was just being creative.

Here's to spring and to enjoying all the treasures this season brings!

Chew On This

I don't care if you are a level nine tuffy toy with seven layers of stitching and four layers of fabric -- you will never stop a terrier from turning you into a mangled wad of chew-kill.

Wanna Go On A W-A-L-K?

Home Alone

Levi went to Salida to spend the weekend in an amazing house on the river with a bunch of bachelor party guys. I am at my desk looking out the window at a yard full of dirt and weeds and wishing it were one o'clock so the lady at the salon could be washing my hair. Who even cares about the haircut -- just run your fingers through my hair for an hour. Sure, it's creepy, but it'll get you a much better tip.

But the cut should probably happen, too. For the last five years I've been asking Levi to take the shears to my locks, which is probably why I look like I haven't had a real haircut in five years. That's right, folks -- I haven't had a professional haircut in five years. I generally take pride in this, but sometimes you can't avoid looking in the mirror. My hair is stringy and split endsy and has recently lost a lot of its enthusiasm. Could it be the Thin Mints?

But that's not all -- at 3 I'm going to get an hour-long deep-tissue massage from a man named Andre. I know what you're thinking -- it's dangerous to make plans two hours after you get a new haircut because usually a new haircut doesn't work out for like the first month or so. Sometimes longer:

Hopefully when I tell the stylist "something new," she won't head straight to the back of the manual and turn my hair into something from Goorin Bros. I like Goorin Bros., but I've never felt comfortable putting a hat on my hat. And, like I said -- massage at 3. Nobody with that hair will ever get a serious massage, even from Andre.

I know what you want -- you want before and after pictures. So let's just say we're starting somewhere around here:

The Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

I made this Buster Keaton spoof in grad school. It's fun to watch, if only because there's a moment in it where my mom's holding a shotgun...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GrVN-dHV4BM

Lavender Honey

Joke of the day:

Christina Aguilera was arrested for drunkenness. Forget about saying the alphabet backwards, the cops just asked her to sing the Star Spangled Banner forwards. (Hahahaha!) I know, I'm hilarious. But not hilarious enough to avoid attorney's fees. More to come. For now, let's stick to meaningless drivel.

Our adorable dog is even more adorable when he's cleaning out the last of an ice cream container:

If you haven't tried lavender honey bliss ice cream, you haven't lived. You also haven't lived if you don't wish somebody would put bacon in their ice cream already. That sentence doesn't make any sense, but bacon in ice cream sure does.

Speaking of delicious, I've found a place in my stomach for expensive gourmet raisins. Not only are they delicious, but they're loads of fun:

Now you know what I do on my weekends. Only I didn't show you the part where I wear the same sweats and don't wash my hair.