Pineapple Frenzy!

A pineapple top does the same thing to our dog that a Newsweek camera does to Michele Bachmann -- crazy-lookin' eyes and, this is not confirmed on that Newsweek cover, but I think a digestive system full of Pixy Stix, too.

Pic of the Week

I know Photoshop is a wondrous tool, but it's really Rick Perry's fault for eating a corn dog like that.

Jesus.

Newsletter

PETA plans to launch a pornography website in the name of animal rights. Giving a whole new meaning to "Mexican Hairless".

Costco won a court decision that blocks women who accused the company of gender bias from suing as a group. Otherwise known as a bulk-action lawsuit.

People are testifying in federal court about the SeaWorld killer whale that drowned its trainer in 2010. The hardest part, I think, is going to be getting the leather glove to fit on that giant flipper.

Bill Clinton's philanthropic summit is pushing for more stains. I mean jobs.

Did you see the Emmys? Or did you miss them because you were taking cover at an air show?

Orioles slugger Mark Reynolds says Los Angeles Angels pitcher Ervin Santana intentionally threw a fastball at him. He wouldn't complain, but now his steroids are going to be sore all week.

So far I'm enjoying "Dancing with the Stars". It might be the dancing I like, or it might be the comforting voice of an angry British judge.

A kindergartener in rural Missouri brought a bag of crystal meth and a crack pipe to school for show-and-tell. The kid swears it was an accident and he meant to bring it on Charlie Sheen day.

Britney Spears is turning 30. Gosh, it seems like just yesterday she was about to turn sour.

The Curious Incident of the Face in the Pie

You've heard of a pie in the face. How about a face in the pie?

Obviously Cookie Monster with an underbite.

Not so obviously Don Knotts with face cancer.

Bon appetit!

Sometimes Things Are Just So Right

I try very hard not to, but once in a while it's necessary to deface a novel.

Did you see it?

NOW did you see it?

That bug landed there, right between Wally's recommended 45th and 50th anniversary gifts, so, naturally, it had to be squished. Don't you love it when literature is interactive? Thanks, bug! And thanks, Denver Public Library!

Sponge Bob Butter Pits

It's happened to everyone. You know the dilemma well -- you're making cream cheese frosting for the homemade cinnamon rolls that are baking in the oven, and the butter needs to be room temperature. Your microwave is too high to reach. Your hair dryer's nowhere to be found. You pinky swore you'd never put any ingredients in your pants. What do you do? You find your husband and make him do the dirty work.

My Shoes Are Full of More Rage Than Your Shoes

It's time for a new pair of ugly shoes, so I thought I'd go all out:

Levi's calling them She-Hulk, which I was fine with until I found an unusually long hair on one of my knuckles. And I burst out of my pants. And I threw a refrigerator at a wall.

Everything But Insight

I walked by a store today called "Everything But Water." It looked a lot like this:

And it's fine, I think, having everything but water, but if it's just water that's keeping you from having everything (which, looks like maybe it's more than just water you're missing, Everything But Water), why not just get some water? This is the United States where water is readily available and easy to come by. If you were a swimming suit store in the middle of Uganda -- hell, if you were a swimming suit store on the outer edges of Uganda -- you might have an excuse. But the Cherry Creek Mall? If you're in the Cherry Creek Mall and you don't have a Nalgene full of botox, you're not trying hard enough.

Newsletter

Al Gore is renewing his 30-year campaign to convince skeptics of the link between climate change and extreme weather events this week in a 24-hour global multi-media event. Which means polar bears aren't safe from melting ice caps OR boring Power Point presentations.

The BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is being blamed on poor management decisions. And a poorly chosen mascot -- Oily, the leaky oil pipe.

The Easy Bake Oven has been remodeled. It's the exact same oven, except that the new model isn't big enough to fit a little brother's head in to.

A new book about Sarah Palin says she used illegal drugs and had an extra-marital affair with an NBA player. And here Sarah thought the only bump in her campaign would be running over that Democrat with her tour bus.

A "Survivor All Star" contestant is considering a run for Indiana governor. And he could win, too, if it comes down to who can balance longest on a log.

A New York court says Prince should pay almost $4 million to a perfume company that claimed he hobbled its efforts to market a perfume named for his "Purple Rain" album. It's just as well since the perfume company was thinking about calling it the perfume formerly known as perfume.

The U.S. has fallen to fifth place in global competitiveness. We may be fifth in global competitiveness, but we're still first in sweatpants.

A new British study indicates most babies can start sensing pain a few weeks before they are born. Which means you should never show a very pregnant woman "Hot Tub Time Machine".

Snooki and Anderson Cooper got a spray tan together. It's all part of the "Jersey Shore" cycle -- drink, vomit, get a spray tan with a CNN reporter, repeat.

Jury selection has begun in the underwear bomber case. The most exciting part of this trial will be when the defense tries unsuccessfully to fit the underpants in question into a leather glove.

Rising seas are expected to wipe out California's beaches by century's end. It's true -- the seas will rise so far, Lindsay Lohan will be forced to take her shirt off in another movie to keep it from getting wet.

President Obama's approval rating is way down. At this point it's dropped below Snooki levels and is on its way down to Charlie Sheen.

The Evolution of Snape (i.e. Special Effects 2.0)

The allure of Severus Snape is not due only to the creative character mastery of J.K. Rowling and the thoughtful, precise puppeteering of Alan Rickman. Witness:

Here's Snape in "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone":

Seven movies and a stick of charcoal later, Snape is a noticeably darker, more mysterious character:

Dress Your Dog in Corduroy and Headless Horseman

I never thought I'd be the kind of person who would buy a costume for her dog, because those people are crazy, but thanks to Target's extensive line of Halloween doggie-wear, I'm pretty close to just dropping the ten bucks and torturing Thelonious all Fall long.

P.S. A note to all you folks in third world countries who are planning to not eat for the ninth day in a row and are sneaking internet time from your refugee camp's tech guard: real sorry for being an American in front of you. But a dog in a taco? Come on. Can you blame us?

Scab Friday

It's scab Friday, and you know what that means -- it's Friday, and I've got scabs.

As usual, the scabs have been placed next to my Guinness World Record trophy for comparison and bragging reasons only.

This week's scabs were plentiful, but I chose what I think are the cream of the pus-filled crop. Isn't it neat how I made an evil face out of scabs?

I can't wait until the holidays when I can take full advantage of an Etsy account and sell scabs on a string for festive folks to twirl around their Christmas trees. Yeah, I know -- talk dirty.