Just go out for sushi

I hate myself for it, but I didn't take a picture of the "sushi rolls" I "made" last night. Thankfully there is the internet. Behold:

I aimed for simple California rolls, which are, as you know, usually the size of Chipotle burritos. So there they were, the Chipotle Tasuketes(!), just sitting on the plate like bled Japanese hogs. And we ate them like people used to eat things before there were forks, and when they killed their food with square wheels. And the "rolls" were okay, but sort of like drinking oatmeal through a straw. All I'm saying is, when you want sushi, just go out for sushi.

Weekend essentials

Please excuse the Target cart. Please do not excuse the three 3.5 pound cans of baked beans and twelve mega rolls of Charmin Ultra Strong. Done and done. 

In sickness, and in health, when you have a chip stuck in your gum line, and when you don't have a chip stuck in your gum line

Big shout-out to Levi, my sometimes squeamish husband, who the other day agreed to poke around my sour cream and oniony maw with a toothpick for a chip tip that became, during some ravenous snack time mastication, wedged in my gum line. Which is where chips lay their salty little eggs, so it was kind of at the top of my list to fish that thing out. Because otherwise I'd have a billion little chip babies in my mouth. Wait a minute...

Hey, Denver -- you nasty.

Newsletter

Research shows that a bad economy has a negative effect on your sex life. Because the more time you spend waiting in line for a job interview, the less time you have to spend waiting in line for sex.

An anonymous bidder is paying a record $3,456,789 to have lunch with Warren Buffett. You think that's a lot of money, you should hear what the bidder's secretary has to pay for the exact same lunch.

An Arizona mother drove with her baby on the roof of her car. It may sound terrible, but driving around with a family member on the roof of your car is the first step toward becoming a presidential candidate.


The KKK wants to adopt a mile-long stretch of highway in Georgia. They say they just want to clean up a little, but authorities are concerned they'll pick up everything but the white trash.

A Texas family claims the face of Jesus can be seen in the mold on their shower curtain. Sometimes Jesus comes back to save humanity, sometimes he comes back to remind people to use a little extra Comet in the bathroom. 

Some people are really upset by the concept of a soda ban. Just the idea of no more soda makes their diabetes hurt.


The U.S. has terminated funding for a project to develop a Pakistani Sesame Street. Things started to really go wrong with Taliban Elmo.

Snooki has moved out of the "Jersey Shore" house. When you're baby's far enough along, it's best to sleep on something other than a water bed filled with rum.

A Massachusetts man said he suffered second-degree burns from a grill after applying sunscreen aerosol spray on parts of his body. Hopefully that's taught him that the best and safest protection from the sun is A-1 sauce.

A Colorado woman was cited for a seat belt violation when the police officer who pulled her over during a routine traffic stop discovered she had removed her child from a car seat to make room for a gas can. The car seat was securing the gas, the kid was securing the handle of vodka.

A Boston teacher is catching flak for telling graduates in his commencement address that they aren't special. Although he was impressed that they were able to get that goat on top of the school.

Violent crime in the U.S. has decreased by 4%. It's not that we don't want to be violent, it's just that we can't get off of the couch. 

A homeless man in Texas will get to keep the $77,000 he found in a park earlier this year. He's already changed his cardboard sign to say "$77,000 helps".

Mitt Romney and President Obama part on a lot of issues. But at least they both agree on one thing -- the dingo took the baby.

Burger King is introducing a bacon ice cream sundae. It's the best pairing they've made in years, which gives Mitt Romney an idea for his pick for vice president.

New research shows that mammoths disappeared for a number of reasons. Ice, predators, and giant sodas.

Grocery store demon doesn't ruin Saturday

This blog doesn't have a theme. It doesn't have a sub-heading. It doesn't know what it is, really. Which is fine because it's Beckause. But an event today really makes me want to ease things into a particular direction. Namely ripping on terrible people.

I headed to The Vitamin Cottage for my much-hated bi-annual trip to the grocery store. I picked a cart out and rolled it a short five feet to the produce section, jittered by the only other patron nearby, ripped off a plastic bag, and began filling it with organic mushrooms. The Vitamin Cottage is tiny, but not tiny enough for two people to not fit in the produce section -- with just a dash of patience, and a miniature amount of careful cart-maneuvering, two people who do not require a crane to lift them out of their bed can easily enjoy their shopping experience without having to smell each other's breath. Unfortunately for me today, the only other person in the produce section of The Vitamin Cottage was Ann Coulter disguised as Satan disguised as a frumpy middle-aged woman with long, gray hair, and dark sunglasses. So you know right away that I'm totally in the right here -- anytime there's an argument between two people indoors, and one of those people is wearing sunglasses, the person wearing sunglasses will always be at fault. So I've just squeezed by this woman and her cart (and her sunglasses) so I can do my shopping while she's doing her shopping because that's how we do it in the United States -- you pick out your oranges while I pick out my mushrooms, and we all live together in motherfucking harmony. I gave her space, I did not grope her, I did not grope her oranges, and I positively did not fart in her presence. I was being totally courteous in that we're-here-doing-the-same-thing-at-the-same-time,-but-please,-let's-not-interact kind of way, and then she comes out of freaking nowhere like a Mitt Romney counterpoint and uses her tiny shopping cart to Battle Ram my shopping cart into an apple display and continues on her way like she didn't just do that thing I just said -- that thing where she pile drives my cart into a stack of apples.

I notice this behavior and become agitated. I continue to load my cart with produce while I think of what a well-adjusted person might say to that. Lots of people wouldn't say anything, but I'm a firm believer that when a person slams her cart into your cart for no reason, and neither one of you are in bumper cars, silence is not an option -- if you play Monster Jam Truck Smash with my cart, you play Monster Jam Truck Smash with me. The first things that run through my quickly-swelling head are "HELLO, MY NAME IS INIGO MONTOYA. YOU KILLED MY FAITH IN HUMANITY -- PREPARE TO DIE!" and "BRING IT, TWAT WAFFLE!" But those are things that would cause me to lose a minimum of thirty five percent of my hair before leaving the store, and I sort of thought I'd always wait for cancer to do that. Then I think I could just ask her if she wanted to talk about something, but that's sooooo giving her too much credit. But I actually did end up saying nothing because Sunglasses does the unthinkable and loops around at the end of the aisle and starts heading directly toward me at normal browsing pace. So I did what any self-respecting, recently-semi-assaulted human being would do -- I made the face that Hulk Hogan is making in the photo below and ran my tiny shopping cart full force toward her tiny shopping cart and stopped just before I hit her.   

I don't know, maybe I should've left the American flag and the Crisco muscle rub out of it, because that lady was looking largely surprised. Like heart-attack surprised. But she gathered herself and her extraordinarily dowdy going-out frock and muttered, in the exact voice of Roz from Monsters, Inc., "I said excuse me, but you didn't move." And she shuffled herself off to the cheeses like a grumpy little frump mouse.

Benjamin Franklin disapproves

What are you buying with that one hundred dollar bill? Fifteen Chipotle burritos without guacamole? A newborn from the back of a rusty van? Battle Cat, new in packaging? A gum ball from Mitt Romney's gum ball machine? A piece of toast with the image of Elizabeth Warren burned into it? A week's worth of quiet hours from the eight year-old next door with a trumpet? A week's worth of extra practice from the old lady in the other next door with an accordion? Whatever it is, Benjamin Franklin does not approve.

Newsletter

Mitt Romney is leading President Obama in Florida polls. It's just by a golf cart, but still.

Al Gore has a girlfriend. Al's pickup line? "Hey, baby, is it hot in here? Because you're warming my global."

"The Avengers" is doing well at the box office. It's really America's only chance to see a pair of spandex without also having to see a muffin top.

The prostitution scandal has expanded to the DEA. Your taxpayer dollars aren't hard at work, they're handcuffed to the bed.

A New Jersey woman says she was fired for being too busty. Weird because usually in Jersey you're unfairly fired for not being orange enough.

President Obama is ahead in swings states by a narrow margin. Which excited Joe Biden, although he prefers the monkey bar states.

Mitt Romney finally got all of his delegates. Now, if he could just find his birth certificate.

Research is being done on how fast ketchup moves. So far it's somewhere between slow and the John Edwards jury.

A serpent-handling West Virginia pastor has died from a snakebite wound. So don't be surprised when your church switches from snakes to goldfish.