Holiday Thought

If you got a Snuggie for Christmas, and if you got a Forever Lazy for Boxing Day, you could put them both on at the same time and be a Turducken of happiness.

Dogs Like Christmas, Too.

Christmas dog starts things in focus with new Christmas toy:

But he gets blurry:

Blurrier:

Until finally he's just a festive dog smudge:

Merry Christmas!

Newsletter

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il is dead. Let this be a warning to all of you who use too much hairspray in the morning.

"We are the 99 percent" has been chosen as the year's top quote. In a close second, "Get out of my way, lady, that flat screen T.V. is mine!"

The Packers' perfect season has come to an end. That's it -- I'm taking my Aaron Rodgers doll out of the manger.

The National Menorah has been lit. I guess the warm glow of Congress wasn't quite doing it.

"We Bought a Zoo" is doing okay at the box office. Michael Jackson buys a zoo and it's weird, but Matt Damon buys one and we're totally into it.

The population of the U.S. is growing at its slowest rate since 1940. It'd be even lower if it weren't for so many hot tubs in New Jersey.

Amazing. Sort of.

I happen to be really good at catching things that I've knocked off of something or dropped or by some other means clumsily moved from its intended location. You know, like, drop the soap in the shower, catch it before it hits the mildew. Slide a glass off the counter, catch it before it hits drunk Levi on the floor. Just now I knocked a shot glass (no comment) off the bar and caught it in the most amazing way -- between my knees, bitches.

But, as punishment for being so awesome, I knocked my knee on this bracket.

I'll bet God doesn't make Tim Tebow knock his knee on a bracket for accidentally doing something awesome.

Two Very Important Questions

Can a vegan eat a Venus Flytrap?

If you give a terminally ill child a gift, is it okay to give her half a diary?

Newsletter

A UFO was spotted hovering over Russian protesters. The weirdest part was it was a UFO inside of a UFO inside of a UFO inside of a UFO.

An ex Miss USA has been arrested on drunk driving charges. She totally faltered when the cop asked her to recite her plans for world peace backwards.

Christmas is getting closer. And I still haven't found the tent mom wanted to help her Occupy Wall Street with.

A suburban Detroit man said letting his 9-year-old daughter drive him around after he had been drinking was a bad idea. On a positive note, his daughter did get him to soccer practice on time.

My Christmas tree is looking good. It looks so good, it's complained to me three times already that Herman Cain's put his hand up its skirt.

A woman has left her $12 million fortune to her cat. Goodbye Fancy Feast, hello Taco Bell.

I'm in the holiday spirit. The stockings are up, the lights are shining, the no adultery pledges are signed.

A record number of Americans are unmarried. We've finally figured out that it's just as easy getting old and fat on our own.

Time magazine's person of the year is the protester. In a close second, the Forever Lazy lounge sack.

A federal safety board called for a nationwide ban on the use of cell phones and text messaging devices while driving. I guess it might be back to the good old fashioned method of seeing where you're going.

The malls are really starting to slash prices for the holidays. For instance, just today I got a parking space for less than fifty bucks.

Howard Stern will be an "America's Got Talent" judge. Howard's the only judge who won't be able to tell if he likes a contestant until she sits on his lap.

The Iraq war is over. But, of course, George W. Bush had that giant banner up on his house years ago.

Lindsay Lohan was praised by the judge during her day in court this week. It's the first time Lindsay's been praised while also wearing a shirt.

NYC

New York City is a good place. Especially if you like rubbing up against strangers. Especially, especially if you like rubbing up against strangers dressed as Santa.

It's also a good place if you own a bicycle with lots of extra Christmas tree storage.

And it's a good place for sunlight to burst through tunnels on an elevated garden stroll.

It's a good place to find your husband's nickname on a bar. This is Williamsburg Levi (or Leevee [or Levee]) without his bodysuit and fur vest*.

* http://halloweenorwilliamsburg.tumblr.com/

It's a good place if you're a dog walker because sometimes it rains cats and dogs. Think of all the dogs you could just round up on a day like this. Then you'd simply attach at least fourteen of them to your fanny pack and go for a leisurely stroll.

It's a good place for an umbrella. Our friend lent us one with a ten-foot diameter. All of those other suckers only had like three feet.

It's a good place to meet Alan Rickman after a show and shake his hand. Then not sleep all night because you shook Alan Rickman's hand. I'll have to shake his hand again some day because the first time I forgot to hold on.

Beware, though. If you buy a snow globe in New York City, you're out of motherfucking luck. Unless, I suppose, that snow globe is filled with breast milk. And you thought you'd never figure out what to get your family members for the holidays.

Let's Just Be Clear

When you help your mom decorate her tree, you get to be at the very top of it.

Unwelcome Surprise

Last night I had a terribly detailed dream in which a young man had fallen madly in love with me. He wanted to take me out to dinner, he wanted to hold my hand, he wanted to show me a mountain into which his face had been carved, and he was a freaking Jonas Brother. I don't even know who the Jonas Brothers are, but one of them made it past the large black man I keep at the front door of my subconscious. And man, is that big black man pissed, 'cause...a Jonas Brother? They are not allowed inside my super awesome dream club. Bill Cosby riding in a pudding-powered rocket car? Yep. Twelve-armed, blue-toned Levi in lederhosen and cowboy boots? Uh-huh. An inside out polar bear named Linus who eats only bacon and members of Congress? Yessiree. But a Jonas Brother? Sorry, bud. Back of the line.

Newsletter

Kourtney Kardashian is expecting her second baby. That's a shame, especially since on Thanksgiving I gave thanks for there being a limited number of Kardashians.

A new survey finds that seniors who are sexually active are happiest. Gosh, I always thought old people didn't want anybody touching their lawn.

A group of scientists in California has created a new material that is 100 times lighter than Styrofoam. It's light, but it's still not as light as a presidential campaign promise.

How are you going to keep warm this winter? Will you sit by the fire with some hot cocoa? Or will you just snuggle up to a creepy college coach?

A Hooters waitress was brought into a special needs school in Florida as a guest speaker. You know the three R's -- Reading, Writing and Boobies.

Michele Bachmann called Newt Gingrich liberal. This after Newt let her pay for his abortion.

One in five Americans is economically insecure. While the other four have those fancy, extra sturdy cardboard boxes to sleep in at night.

According to a poll, more Americans are becoming confident in the economy. So confident, most Americans are planning to buy not one, but two Pepper Spray Me Elmos for Christmas.