Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Pictures of the Week

This is our eco-hearse, otherwise known as a Big Dummy. It carries beer, groceries, rocks, hula hoops, beer, severed limbs, camping chairs, dog crates, beer, and mannequins. The other day Levi rode home from work with the mannequins strapped to the Dummy, and he tells me he received zero whistles, honks, or thrown eggs, which is so completely strange. Okay, maybe you only get whistles and honks when you have boobs and legs. But, come on -- no eggs? Anyway, let us know if the upper half of your body ever needs a ride anywhere. Extra charge if you have arms and/or organs.


This is Henry -- he's the dog lying down keeping watch over the seventeen tennis balls he wrangled up from all four poop corners at the dog park. Not knowing that the collection was Henry's, I kicked one for Thelonious, who was soon stripped by ball hog Henry, who brought the little felt planet back to his stinky little doggy solar system. When Henry's owner told him it was time to go, he began packing tennis balls into his mouth like he was one of those Nerf cannons. He left approximately seven urine stains, one pile of stink, and fourteen tennis balls behind.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Apple Store Limbo

I hadn't known until today that Pope Benedict XVI cancelled part of Limbo. You know Limbo -- the crispy black burnt edge of hell where people go when god doesn't know what to do with them. It's like an eternal DMV waiting room, but without the out-of-order Pepsi machine and employees armed with slow computer systems and pitchforks, although that would be a nice touch. Actually, the Pope only cancelled part of Limbo -- the Limbo of Infants where unbaptized babies go if they refused to play with a Catholic priest's rattle. Catholics are weird period, but it's even weirder that they're cool with it when a disintegrating dude in a funny hat cancels parts of the eternal afterlife.


I was in the Apple store, feeling very Appley, with a mall gift card to burn and a computer without a neoprene sleeve. So I picked a sleeve out and headed to the register, only there was no register because it's the Apple store, and Apple is a progressive company. Thank god all 57 Apple employees were wearing the same t-shirt, or I wouldn't have been able to find four employees in a row who couldn't help me. The fifth guy told me if I had an iPhone I could download an App that would let me check myself out. Which, at first, sounded excitingly vain, but, at second, was just annoying. I downloaded the App, only I wanted to use this mall gift card, and my Apple account wouldn't have allowed that. At that point I was near the exit and realized I could most likely walk out of the Apple store with the sleeve without paying for it, which I really did think about doing because I was so annoyed that it was so hard to pay for something in a retail store. But I'm afraid of stealing like a white girl's afraid of stealing, so I found a guy in the shirt of the week and asked again how I could buy this thing, so he sent me to an employee who sent me toan employee who had the special card swiper, which ended this debacle, and netted me an overpriced computer sweater. I'm not the Pope, but I'd have to say maybe the Catholic team needs to have a meeting and agree that, maybe there's not an eternity where unbaptized babies go when they die, but there is most certainly an uncomfortable eternity where Apple customers go when they need a swimming suit for their computer.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Bacon-Wrapped, Cheese-Stuffed Uterus

Talk of the Nation featured a story about how some states are passing bills that will require women who choose abortion to receive an ultrasound before going through with the procedure. And she'd get the kind of ultrasound built for the earlier weeks of pregnancy, which, instead of the usual goopy outside-of-the-belly monitor, involves inserting an electrified summer sausage (probably also goopy) into the woman's mitt*.

*mitt [mit], noun:

1) a part of a woman that gives men pleasure.
2) a part of a woman that makes a man absolutely, for sure, totally not gay.
3) the shape of the state that Mitt Romney was born in and that has trees of the right height.

Let's go over the GOP's current perspective on women's reproductive health:

A) Birth control is a sin. Don't take it.

B) Whoopsie, did you get pregnant? Why don't you step into these fun stirrups for a minute while we take a picture. And if you wait over here while your photos are printing, Rick Santorum would like to pray with you and the fetus inside of you that might someday wear a sweater vest and fight hard against basic human rights.

C) Also, we were wondering, ma'am -- do you weigh the same as a duck?

Virginia State Senator Janet Howell recently proposed a bill that would require men to undergo a rectal exam and a cardiac stress test before they could be prescribed medication for erectile dysfunction. Which is about as satisfying as the taste of bacon-wrapped dates stuffed with bleu cheese.


I'm sorry to say Senator Howell's bill is not a law, but I'm very happy to report that the bacon treats did pass just this morning.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Where Are Your Off-Center Tennis Shoes with the Weird-Looking Long Faces When You Need Them?

This is a gallery in the Clyfford Still Museum.


This is a painting I like in the Clyfford Still Museum.


This is one of my grody neon green tennis shoes in front of a painting I like in the Clyfford Still Museum.


My shoes were embarrassed to be expressive, but not abstract. Sorry, Clyfford Still.

Yoga-lonious

Thelonious enjoys being a part of Levi's morning routine. He likes to get hit in the big nose with leg lifts. He likes to sniff loose pants during the warrior pose. He likes to sit on feet during sit-ups.

He just likes to be a part of things.


But mostly he likes the after party when he can do the farty zen pose on somebody's lap.


Newsletter

Newt Gingrich is upset about President Obama's plan to offer free birth control. Newt thinks he's mad about that, wait'll he hears about the President's plan to offer women free divorce control.


Queen Elizabeth and her new granddaughter-in-law, Kate, are teaming up for a royal event. I don't know about Kate, but the Queen will be there, which means there will be doughnuts on a string.


Tim Tebow says politics may be in his future. What Tim doesn't know is that, in politics, the interns are supposed to do all of the kneeling.


New Jersey is flying its flags at half mast for Whitney Houston. Which would be an honor if Jersey hadn't flown its flags at half mast when Snookie tripped over an empty bottle of rum and hit her head on a hot tub.


A skydiver plans to attempt a record-breaking supersonic space jump. That explains why Mitt Romney has that new ad out proposing to limit Americans' intake of Mountain Dew.


Sarah Palin has an article in Newsweek. And a noun, and an adverb, and a preposition.


Rick Santorum is calling Mitt Romney "Mr. Big Government". Which is creepy, since that's what Mitt's wife calls him in bed.


Google has an entertainment device in the works. Word has it it'll be the most expensive ribbon on a stick ever.


Oprah's apologizing. Which I think is one of the signs of the second coming.


A 14 year-old who went to college at 8 has written a book. Meanwhile, I've learned how to eat a Dorito off of my elbow.


Rick Santorum has a new plan for America. He's not saying what it is, but I have a feeling it involves a man and a woman and a sweater vest.


Angelina Jolie broke down at the premier of her new movie. She was so emotional, she ended up adopting her Sour Patch Kids.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue -- Give Me Some Banjo, I'll Give You Some, Too

Nothing says I love you like a concrete heart.



Or when you and your Valentine get each other the same Valentine, and that Valentine is a ticket to a bluegrass show, which will feature one of these guys.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

For the Ladies

"A man may work from sun to sun, but woman's work is never done." A woman said that to me right after I walked out of my kitchen.

"I can't imagine a single dad raising a child -- it would be so much harder for a man to have to do that." I heard a woman say that.

"Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" A woman said that to me before Levi and I were married.

Attention! Good news! Women don't have to say things like this anymore! Many women have fought very hard so that my He-Man action figures could have a winter Caslte Grayskull and a summer Castle Grayskull. So that I could sometimes be the half of the heterosexual couple that sits in her underpants on the couch watching football while her husband cleans the countertops. Still don't believe me?

This is a picture of a woman voting. She would like to abolish the hat tax.


This is a photo of a woman doing woman's work. She's undercooking a chicken-based soup, which later liberated her husband's bowels.


This is a photo of a woman throwing her bra into the Freedom trash can.


She did it so that women would be free to cover their breasts with even more uncomfortable garments.


This is a photo of Sandra Day O'Connor. She's the first woman to sit in the female section of the Supreme Court lunchroom.


This is a photo of Danica Patrick. She's the first woman to drive in an Indy race wearing nothing but a set of pasties.


This is a photo of Kim Kardashian. She's the first woman to stuff a quilt into her underpants.


Ladies, by the power of Grayskull, you are liberated! Now get out there in your high heeled boots, your weird little mini-skirt/cape bustier thing, put on your golden tiara, and let your golden mane flow in the winds of Ete. Get that mighty sword out and use it as something other than a casserole-cutter.


Friday, February 10, 2012

Food On My Dog + Glitter Bombing Mitt Romney's Sundae Hole

Just heard about this blog, Food On My Dog, and really really like it. Especially since I have a dog who will not allow me to put food on his head -- his sundae hole is always open. Which, coincidentally, is the punch line to any number of GOP candidate jokes. Speaking of GOP candidate jokes, Rick Santorum is calling Mitt Romney "Mr. Big Government". Which is creepy, since that's what Mitt's wife calls him in bed.


Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Newsletter

New research finds that people with a low IQ are more likely to be prejudiced. It's not that they have a low IQ, it's just sometimes when a guy's taking an intelligence test, that darned hooded sheet's always getting in the way.


Newt Gingrich has been sued for his use of the "Rocky III" theme song. Which is fine since pretty soon Newt will be wearing the sweatpants from the same film.


Princes William and Harry are revealing some insider secrets about their grandmother, the Queen. For instance, on May 6th, 2002, she put her elbows on the table.


Despite losing big in Florida, Newt Gingrich is undeterred. In his mind, he's just divorcing Florida and moving on to the next state.


Fox News is celebrating being number one in cable news for ten years. Bill O'Reilly's celebrating by putting one of his guests in a headlock and calling him a terrorist.


Mitt Romney got glitter bombed. He would've talked more about it, but getting glitter bombed sounds way too homosexual for a Republican to mention.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Eat, Pray -- Well, Maybe Not Pray

I'm embarrassed to say that "Eat, Pray, Love" is currently in my stack of 15-35 books-in-progress. It makes me feel a little bit whinier, a little bit gooier, and a little bit like a reader who's dropped her standards pants. I kind of imagine that everyone who's read it is a woman who asks somebody or an audience of cats every day if her butt looks fat in something. And of course it does. The butt looks fat. Fat fat fat. Quit asking. I find the book a bit taxing on the part of my brain that has its feet on the pub floor, but because of a Radiolab bit I heard in which Elizabeth Gilbert muses on the muse (http://www.radiolab.org/2011/mar/08/me-myself-and-muse/), I think I'll continue to read, let my bookmark look fat in that book.

Another book in that tottering stack is "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins, which reads a little like if Elizabeth Gilbert got run over by a freight train. It's a little...if-there-were-a-god-it-wouldn't-let-you-wear-those-godawful-yoga-pants-in-public ish. And, not surprisingly, he mentions THE BIBLE every now and then. Dawkins doesn't really make fun of it, he just finds it strange that people would take dead seriously a book that for example has been copied and pasted over the course of many generations using one of those first century word processors (you know, the ones old enough that the Oregon Trail characters come down with leprosy instead of cholera, and in place squirrel-hunting, they shoot at Samaritans from their covered wagons). I just finished a bit reminding the reader that lots and lots of people glean their morals from THE BIBLE, and how that's weird because in THE BIBLE God asks so-and-so to kill his son before he goes to what's-that-nation to wipe out what's-that-civilization, but only after whatshisname thoughtfully offers his virgin daughters in place of a couple of visiting angels to a mob of drunken Super Bowl fans who gang rape them in a kiddie pool full of seven layer bean dip, and so on. And Richard Dawkins would ask you to kindly hold on to the "but that's only in the old testament" argument for many reasons. I would ask you to hold on to it because the new testament belongs to Jesus, Jesus was a Jew, and Jews don't eat bacon.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Things That Might Happen When Your Husband Puts on Tights

He might


Or he might



Or he might


Or he might


Or he might


Or he might



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