Gold, frankincense, and leg lamp

This is a dog in a Christmas sweater. It is humiliated. Not because of its sweater, but because of the figgy pudding it just whipped up under the family Christmas tree.

This is a gingerbread goat. It appears to be munching on fake candy canes. But it's not. Gingerbread goat isn't hungry because earlier it ate the foreskin from gingerbread baby Jesus.

This is Krampus. If Santa were God, Krampus would be Satan. While Santa brings all the good children toys, Krampus stuffs naughty children into his enormous biodegradable tote bag and takes them to see the new really awful Hobbit movie. 

This is a merrily-dressed woman walking to her job at a local bookshop. Boy, is she going to scare the shit out of some people in the geography section.

This is the Abominabababable Snowman. His favorite food is Christmas elf who really wants to be a dentist, but he'll settle for the rest of what's in your really sad Christmas Day KFC bucket.

This is a major award. 

This is Denver's Civic Center. If you look close, you can see that Jesus' foreskin is missing. A couple of years ago the city of Denver had to put the Christmas nativity behind glass so hipsters couldn't just run up and steal the trendy facial hair off the wise men.

And this is just a tree that's pretty. Merry Christmas.

The incident of the spread-out bee parts on the Burt's Bees

I bought a bottle of Burt's Bees honey and milk lotion. While taking it out of a bag, I noticed a bee head on my hand, then the rest of the bee, in spread-out and crunchy bee pieces on the bottle of Burt's Bees. Say what you will about Burt, but his bees are motherfucking committed. 

Presidential blahblahblah debate round-up

Great debate. Really quality stuff. It kind of reminded me of the time in high school when I prepared for the wrong side of a Federalism debate, then got up in front of the class and sweat profusely through some ugly nineties sweater from the clearance section of the Gap. Only at least my sweater was more interesting than two grown men not having to explain themselves. It would've been great if one of the candidates had prepared for the other guy's side and then accidentally kissed the other guy's wife at the conclusion, which is not what I did because, you know...braces.

Speaking of lips, did you see that part of the debate where President Obama and Mitt Romney looked like they were either going to hit each other in the governator, or make out with each other awkwardly like in that scene from "American Beauty" where the psycho Army dad kisses Kevin Spacey's character because the psycho Army dad thought his son was giving Kevin Spacey's character blow jobs, but really psycho Army dad had some very pent-up sexuality, which he needed to let out after years of hiding behind a buzz cut and a cabinet full of antique firearms and Nazi dinnerware? Why couldn't they have just kissed? Or, Jesus, throw us a bone -- some lube wrestling maybe? We don't hit the mute button during your campaign ads and immediately recycle your political pamphlets for nothing.

And thank goodness Mitt Romney has solved the problem of gun violence: if a person has two parents (presumably a man and a woman, since same-sex couples cannot operate as parents when they are pillars of salt), that person will not put a cap in yo ass.  

Have we learned by now that the debate timer is total bullshit? The countdown clock turns yellow, then it turns red, then it disappears, and the candidate gets to keep talking. Until he's done. Unless the other guy says something he disagrees with, then he can butt in and say more when it's not his turn. Why do we have this countdown clock? To remind us that time is infinite, like God on money, and congressional holidays, and the federal deficit. When your time is out, you should have to stop talking. Then the moderator will turn the air on in your private booth, and you'll have a chance to swat at and stuff dollar bills into your shirt until it's your turn to speak again. 

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IKEA says it regrets that it removed images of women from its Saudi Arabian catalogues. Who has room for women when you're trying to pack a bed, a dining table, and a couch all into the same 100 square-foot space?

Georgia Congressman Paul Broun says evolution, embryology, and the Big Bang theory are "lies from the pit of hell." You know, hell -- the thing God created right after he made congressmen.

Vladimir Putin just had a birthday. He celebrated as he does every year -- by rescuing a litter of rare puppies from an active volcano while dangling, bare-chested, from a helicopter.

The Mormon church has lowered age requirements for missionaries. It used to be 18, but they've changed the requirement to being tall enough to knock.

U.S. Protestants have lost majority status. That title has officially transferred to Americans wearing howling wolf t-shirts.

Cattle farmers who are struggling with record corn prices are feeding their cows candy. Now you can order your steak medium, medium well, or with sprinkles.

Mitt Romney says he would pursue no abortion legislation if elected president. As if Mitt wasn't enough of a ladies' man.

A 14-year-old German boy pawned some of his mom's jewelry so he'd have money to visit a brothel. The kid will get a spanking, just not of the variety he was hoping for.

Florida Governor Rick Scott accidentally gave out a sex hotline number instead of a meningitis hotline number. See? Meningitis isn't all bad.

Taylor Swift says drinking wine makes her "feel classy". You know what else makes her feel classy? Not dating Kanye West.

Urban Outfitters: what happens when ugly sofas have drunk sex

Urban Outfitters has evolved over the years. It once was a store where you could buy hip, urban-ish clothing, then it was a store where you could buy hip, uban-ish, but pretty weird clothing, and now it's a store where you can buy things that the Goodwill won't even sell. Seriously, UO is that bag of weird cardigans, stirrup pants, and curtains in the back of the Goodwill that not even homeless people or naked windows will wear.

It's quite possible that Urban Outfitters is some kind of messed-up social experiment sponsored by NBC's "Dateline". You remember when Dateline's "To Catch a Predator" host Chris Hansen would suddenly appear during what some freshly-Old Spiced pedophile thought was going to be a hot night of My Little Pony reenactments? That's what I think might happen with Urban Outfitters. People will start wearing their acid wash jean vests and poinsettia-print velour  stretch pants with some seriousness, then Chris Hansen will pop out from behind their floor mirror with a video camera and a bunch of questions you can't answer, like "Why are you wearing that?" Forcing you to flee with your leopard-print patent leather shame. 

Judging from the most recent Urban Outfitters catalog, we are nearing the end of the experiment, as its hot buffet of photographs is clearly what happens when a bunch of ugly sofas have a night of drunk sex, then throw up all over skinny people.

And the pointing fingers award goes to...

How about that vice presidential debate, huh? Two guys who really want to be the guy who basically does nothing while some other guy is President. Talking very loudly. Sometimes yelling. And pointing really hard at each other.

Far and away my favorite part of the VP debate was the use of the word "malarky," which I think could only have been topped by the use of the word "poppycock," which, note to the presidential candidates, could sway my vote this year. But also any year, so future presidential candidates, you guys take note, too. Poppycock. Work it in there. But not in the dirty way.

A big thumbs up to Joe Biden for laughing during Paul Ryan's responses so often because, one, pretty boy needs to be laughed at, and, two, I mean, what else are you gonna do during a vice presidential debate? Pretend like you're taking notes when you're actually just drawing yourself as President? Wearing a crown? Yeah, the first President of the United States with a crown. And a red, white, and blue Batmobile. That's a convertible. That'd be awesome.

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A new CDC report shows that more children are swallowing small batteries. And, no, "Eat My Batteries Elmo" didn't help one bit.

A new study shows that people with purple bedrooms have the most active sex lives. Let me clarify -- people with purple bedrooms, and zero Star Wars action figures.

A 7-year old Colorado girl survived the Bubonic Plague. Another win for Flintstones vitamins.

Snooki is showing off her new baby. Hopefully soon someone will let her know that you're supposed to carry those things with the head at the top.

Dick Cheney is taking jabs at President Obama. The President's just glad Cheney's not taking shots.

A new study shows that letting babies cry for a minute is okay. Let them cry for a bit, THEN explain to them the consequences of shaking a baby.

Bob Dylan has a new album. You have to give him credit -- most old guys his age are just talking to empty chairs.

The iPhone 5 is now for sale. Goodbye Siri, hello James Earl Jones.Some creationists are boycotting Dr. Pepper. But they'll be back just as soon as Dr. Pepper admits that, on the third day, God created corn syrup.

Mitt Romney is trying to connect with latino voters. He says he and Ann always drive around with a bag of Taco Bell strapped to the roof of their car.

A faded piece of papyrus referring to Jesus' wife has been found. You don't turn a vat of water into wine and end up going home alone.

Russia has revealed that an asteroid field in Siberia contains as much as $1 trillion in diamonds. If Vladimir Putin hasn't gone swimming bare-chested in them, I'm not interested.

Chick-fil-A has agreed to stop funding anti-gay groups. They've finally realized that even guys with excellent taste in home decorating have poor taste in chicken sandwiches.

Signs you shouldn't rent that house

If you're looking for a place to rent, here are a few things to avoid:

1. The "For Rent" sign is chained to the house.

2. The neighborhood meth dealer is chained to the house.

3. The neighborhood meth dealer is chained to the "For Rent" sign that's chained to the house.

USA Pro Cycling Challenge Half-A-Brat Hand-Up

No rider at the USA Pro Cycling Challenge time trial race a week ago even thought about taking my half-a-brat hand up. 

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Billionaire George Soros is getting married for the third time. She's forty, and he's 20 billion.

Kenny G has filed for divorce. Obviously his wife got tired of having the second-best perm in the house.

A man accidentally shot himself in the buttocks at a Nevada movie theater. At least he didn't shoot himself in the ten-dollar popcorn.

Augusta National has admitted its first women. They'll be officially inducted and given their green aprons in the very near future.

Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan both condemn Congressman Yoder, who went for a skinny dip in the Sea of Galilee. It gives a bad name to the Republican party when its congressmen are having fun that doesn't discriminate against women.

Lance Armstrong's titles have been stripped from him. But something tells me there's basically just one important thing you can take from a guy who's already lost a testicle to cancer.

A new Gawker report shows that Mitt Romney is hiding lots of money in offshore accounts. Not only that, but Neil Armstrong just died, and he's the only guy who knew about Mitt's stash on the moon.

Snooki has given birth to a baby boy. She can't wait until the little guy's big enough to drag mommy out of her own vomit.

Katy Perry turned down a $20 million deal to be a judge on "American Idol". American Idol's mistake was offering Katy money instead of Ring Pops and candy necklaces.

A man trying to create a Bigfoot hoax died on a Montana highway after being hit by two cars. Nothing helps disprove a Bigfoot theory like scraping a guy in a wookie suit off the road.

Mitt Romney's advisors are trying to improve his image. Please tell me they remember what happened when they added lipstick to Sarah Palin.

Ann Romney says she doesn't like using a teleprompter. Almost as much as Sarah Palin hated using a subscription to "The Washington Post".

Michele Bachmann says that President Obama's "extreme wealth" disallows him from relating to "the common man". All part of Michele's campaign to be the first woman forcefully sent to Mars.

They're still cleaning up the confetti at the GOP convention. They want to get every single piece of it since they made it out of Mitt's last ten years of tax returns.

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Texas has executed a murderer with an IQ of 61. Right after they let the guy eat his last Happy Meal.

A toy company is suing Lady Gaga for more than $10 million. Sounds like a lot of money, but Lady Gaga has that kind of change in the back pocket of her mylar spork pants.

Professional eater Joey Chestnut ate 144 chicken wings in 10 minutes. Taking the gold medal in the 100 meter fat guy.

Mitt Romney says he would consider bombing Iran. But only if he finds evidence that Iran does, indeed, have a middle class. 

Dick Cheney says Sarah Palin never should've been picked as a vice presidential hopeful. She didn't have the experience, she didn't have the drive, and she certainly didn't have the baboon heart.

A study from Ancestry.com has determined that President Obama is related to the first black African enslaved for life in America. Meanwhile, it's been discovered that Mitt Romney is related to the first man to have a humidor in his bathroom.

Sheryl Crow has been granted a temporary restraining order. Those skinny jeans that make her feel fat have to stay at least 500 feet away.

The U.S. women's gymnastic team won gold. Now that they've proven themselves, maybe the U.S. will consider hemming up their warmup pants.

A New York City penthouse has been listed for 100 million dollars. Sounds like a lot, but for that price you get a view of your offshore bank accounts.

Michael Phelps is the most decorated olympian of all time. He has so many olympic medals, he could melt them down into a presidential campaign.

Half of U.S. counties are drought disaster areas. It's so dry, Mitt Romney's had to start moisturizing his gaffes.

The 911 calls of a Cape Cod shark attack victim have been released. You can hear screams and something about spending the next summer vacation in Ohio.

The Curiosity Rover is rolling around Mars. Now if only it would take its finger off of the camera lens.

Mitt Romney is out-fundraising President Obama. Camel rides in the Circle K parking lot were a good idea after all.

Michael Phelps has admitted to peeing in the pool. You win a pile of gold medals like he has and you can pee in line at the grocery store.

Olympic athletes say there's a lot of sex going on in the Olympic Village. The Olympics -- the only time when all nations truly do come together.

President Obama's lead is growing over Mitt Romney. This after the President announced that he, too, pees in the pool.

In your dreams, Pee Wee Herman

Dreams are always weird. At least for me. I never just dream that I'm out on the patio drinking a beer. But I will dream that I'm out on the patio drinking Pepto Bismol out of a boot while Alan Rickman recites sonnets as he circles me on marshmallow rollerblades.

Around the same time of the theater shooting on Friday the 20th, I woke up in a panic. In my dream Magnum P.I. broke into my house. It was Mexican Tom Selleck, and he was complete with corduroy short-shorts and a Colt pistol. He held Levi and me hostage while he, I don't know, raided our closets for button down Hawaiian shirts? Anyway, I was scared enough that it woke me up, and all I could think was "I need a gun. I'll put it right here by the bed where I can grab it approximately two minutes after some asshole's already in my house because I wear earplugs at night and will sleep through the breaking window sound." So there's that.

A few months ago Levi had a dream that the giant, white, wolf-like dog that lives four blocks away attacked us. Then, that morning, that same exact very same dog was sniffing around our driveway, trying to get into our backyard. So there's that, too.

I know it's unbelievable, but last night I had a dream that Pee-Wee Herman narrated the new Batman movie. Then this happened:

Goodwill goes grammar-free

I like the Goodwill -- it's smart, it's economical, it's an experience. It is, however, generally not fart-free; every time you shop at a Goodwill, it's pretty much guaranteed you're going to get tooted on by a stranger wearing a pair of violet velour stretch pants. That aside, the Goodwill is a great way to not waste things. Except for apostrophes, apparently:

I was at the Goodwill on a half-off Saturday, which is sort of like dipping yourself in nacho cheese, then going to the Super Bowl. The place was thick with scavengers, and let me tell you -- extreme bargain shoppers are motherfucking relentless. There's junk in the Goodwill they didn't even know they wanted, but when they find it, bless their used underpants souls, they want it bad to the bone. I didn't have the patience to wade through all of the sale-damp flesh to get photos of the other posters, but trust me, there are as many apostrophes missing from the Goodwill's posters as there are navajo sofas in the basement. All I'm saying is, hey, Goodwill -- maybe don't let the "special" people on the side of your truck do your grammar check. 

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A new study finds that babies in dog-owning families may be healthier. But only if those families are buying the good dog food.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes seem to be settling their divorce amicably. Katie gets half of the houses, Tom gets to keep his collection of Tom Cruise pictures.

Republicans are strategizing on how to win the youth vote. But so far their "I've got your nose" trick isn't working.

A study finds that September 11th is television's most memorable moment. The only thing that could top it, really, is if someone flies a plane into The Bachelor.

Tom Cruise has been married three times. Which I think qualifies him for the next color Scientology belt.

Texas has exhausted its supply of a drug it uses during executions. I guess now we get to find out how long it takes a guy to die after being injected with cornbread.

A Florida club is suing Octomom Nadya Suleman after she backed out of a deal to strip for them. Well, she tried to back out, but her uterus wouldn't fit through the door.

Kourtney Kardashian has given birth to a baby girl. The delivery didn't take much time at all, and it still lasted longer than her sister's marriage.

Mitt Romney isn't happy with President Obama's ads. It's not the content of the ads, it's just that Barack's always using the same token black guy. 

Auditors say billions of dollars were wasted in rebuilding Iraq. Turns out the U.S. should've just gone with IKEA Iraq.

A Colorado boss gives his employees $7,500 in spending money for their paid vacations. Sort of like how when Mitt Romney was at Bain Capital and he gave his employees a free trip to China.

A South Carolina funeral home will sell Starbucks coffee. You can get your latte in grande, vente, or urn.

Rush Limbaugh says the latest Batman villain is an attack on Mitt Romney. Makes sense since Bane never released his tax returns, either.

This drought is really serious. But as long as it doesn't affect the Cheetos crop, Americans should be just fine.

A Pete Rose reality show is in the works. Pete's already betting it'll be a hit.

Ann Romney says her darkest hour was when she was diagnosed with MS. That and when she thought she got tomato sauce on her thousand dollar shirt. 

Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

A friend of mine is raising chickens in his backyard. Recently one of these chickens humped the cat and was spotted sporting truck nuts on his Hummer, revealing himself as a rooster. Since you can't have a rooster in town, and since it was dinner time, Scott had some friends over for a most fascinating dining experience. 

I wish I had a picture of the rooster, Prince William, before he was just parts in a bucket. But I don't, so here are some of the ladies from the henhouse. They were eager to punish Prince William for his recent rape crimes. 

Once in the garage, Seth thanked the Prince for his life and promised him we would all one day return to the earth just like he was about to. Although hopefully none of us will return to the earth after bleeding out into a metal pail. 

KFC's lowest-priced bucket of chicken still comes with a biscuit and a side of coleslaw:

A tablespoon of dish soap in the boiling water, and the feathers pull right out. A tablespoon of dish soap on your bloodstained hands and face, and the guilt seems to remain. 

The dinner guests look on during plucking.

Little girl becomes bored with chicken murder, flees the scene to catch the last half of a "My Little Pony" DVD.

The ladies' sixth chicken sense kicking in:

Seth smoking a necessary post-butchering cig:

And Phillip giving the old middle finger to Colonel Sanders:

Thank you, Prince William, for a real good night, for a real good dinner, and for something to freaking blog about. 

My Caucus Leans to the Left

Best campaign shirt of all time:

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Some new Obama ads claim Mitt Romney shipped jobs to China and India. But Mitt claims he was just sending those jobs on their Mormon mission.

Pablo Picasso's famous painting, "Woman in a Red Armchair," was vandalized at a museum in Houston. Which is causing the museum to reconsider hiring security officers with two eyes on the same side of their head.

Mitt Romney's reconsidering his run for president. The idea of having to live in just one giant house for four year gives him the chills.

The Supreme Court upheld Obamacare. Now on to bigger, more important issues -- like if socks and sandals are unconstitutional.

The Olympics aren't far away. I can tell because Bob Costas is starting to narrate my dreams.

Rapper 50 Cent was in a car accident. Thankfully, his car is equipped with automatic ho-bags.

According to a study that calculates the adult portion of the human race's collective weight, humanity is 17 million tons overweight. Which means we're only a chocolate milkshake away from cosmic fat pants.

The discovery of a double-headed sex toy mistaken for a mystical rare fungus brought national notoriety to a Chinese village this week. But let's be honest -- it probably did have a rare fungus on it.

Prince William is 30 years old. He celebrated by having someone else blow out his candles.

I can't tell what it is, but something feels different in my life today. Must've been Facebook changing my astrological sign without my permission.

Forty million stars have been mapped in a new night sky census. God pity the intern who had to count them all.

Just go out for sushi

I hate myself for it, but I didn't take a picture of the "sushi rolls" I "made" last night. Thankfully there is the internet. Behold:

I aimed for simple California rolls, which are, as you know, usually the size of Chipotle burritos. So there they were, the Chipotle Tasuketes(!), just sitting on the plate like bled Japanese hogs. And we ate them like people used to eat things before there were forks, and when they killed their food with square wheels. And the "rolls" were okay, but sort of like drinking oatmeal through a straw. All I'm saying is, when you want sushi, just go out for sushi.

Weekend essentials

Please excuse the Target cart. Please do not excuse the three 3.5 pound cans of baked beans and twelve mega rolls of Charmin Ultra Strong. Done and done. 

In sickness, and in health, when you have a chip stuck in your gum line, and when you don't have a chip stuck in your gum line

Big shout-out to Levi, my sometimes squeamish husband, who the other day agreed to poke around my sour cream and oniony maw with a toothpick for a chip tip that became, during some ravenous snack time mastication, wedged in my gum line. Which is where chips lay their salty little eggs, so it was kind of at the top of my list to fish that thing out. Because otherwise I'd have a billion little chip babies in my mouth. Wait a minute...

Hey, Denver -- you nasty.

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Research shows that a bad economy has a negative effect on your sex life. Because the more time you spend waiting in line for a job interview, the less time you have to spend waiting in line for sex.

An anonymous bidder is paying a record $3,456,789 to have lunch with Warren Buffett. You think that's a lot of money, you should hear what the bidder's secretary has to pay for the exact same lunch.

An Arizona mother drove with her baby on the roof of her car. It may sound terrible, but driving around with a family member on the roof of your car is the first step toward becoming a presidential candidate.


The KKK wants to adopt a mile-long stretch of highway in Georgia. They say they just want to clean up a little, but authorities are concerned they'll pick up everything but the white trash.

A Texas family claims the face of Jesus can be seen in the mold on their shower curtain. Sometimes Jesus comes back to save humanity, sometimes he comes back to remind people to use a little extra Comet in the bathroom. 

Some people are really upset by the concept of a soda ban. Just the idea of no more soda makes their diabetes hurt.


The U.S. has terminated funding for a project to develop a Pakistani Sesame Street. Things started to really go wrong with Taliban Elmo.

Snooki has moved out of the "Jersey Shore" house. When you're baby's far enough along, it's best to sleep on something other than a water bed filled with rum.

A Massachusetts man said he suffered second-degree burns from a grill after applying sunscreen aerosol spray on parts of his body. Hopefully that's taught him that the best and safest protection from the sun is A-1 sauce.

A Colorado woman was cited for a seat belt violation when the police officer who pulled her over during a routine traffic stop discovered she had removed her child from a car seat to make room for a gas can. The car seat was securing the gas, the kid was securing the handle of vodka.

A Boston teacher is catching flak for telling graduates in his commencement address that they aren't special. Although he was impressed that they were able to get that goat on top of the school.

Violent crime in the U.S. has decreased by 4%. It's not that we don't want to be violent, it's just that we can't get off of the couch. 

A homeless man in Texas will get to keep the $77,000 he found in a park earlier this year. He's already changed his cardboard sign to say "$77,000 helps".

Mitt Romney and President Obama part on a lot of issues. But at least they both agree on one thing -- the dingo took the baby.

Burger King is introducing a bacon ice cream sundae. It's the best pairing they've made in years, which gives Mitt Romney an idea for his pick for vice president.

New research shows that mammoths disappeared for a number of reasons. Ice, predators, and giant sodas.