Newsletter

Texas has executed a murderer with an IQ of 61. Right after they let the guy eat his last Happy Meal.

A toy company is suing Lady Gaga for more than $10 million. Sounds like a lot of money, but Lady Gaga has that kind of change in the back pocket of her mylar spork pants.

Professional eater Joey Chestnut ate 144 chicken wings in 10 minutes. Taking the gold medal in the 100 meter fat guy.

Mitt Romney says he would consider bombing Iran. But only if he finds evidence that Iran does, indeed, have a middle class. 

Dick Cheney says Sarah Palin never should've been picked as a vice presidential hopeful. She didn't have the experience, she didn't have the drive, and she certainly didn't have the baboon heart.

A study from Ancestry.com has determined that President Obama is related to the first black African enslaved for life in America. Meanwhile, it's been discovered that Mitt Romney is related to the first man to have a humidor in his bathroom.

Sheryl Crow has been granted a temporary restraining order. Those skinny jeans that make her feel fat have to stay at least 500 feet away.

The U.S. women's gymnastic team won gold. Now that they've proven themselves, maybe the U.S. will consider hemming up their warmup pants.

A New York City penthouse has been listed for 100 million dollars. Sounds like a lot, but for that price you get a view of your offshore bank accounts.

Michael Phelps is the most decorated olympian of all time. He has so many olympic medals, he could melt them down into a presidential campaign.

Half of U.S. counties are drought disaster areas. It's so dry, Mitt Romney's had to start moisturizing his gaffes.

The 911 calls of a Cape Cod shark attack victim have been released. You can hear screams and something about spending the next summer vacation in Ohio.

The Curiosity Rover is rolling around Mars. Now if only it would take its finger off of the camera lens.

Mitt Romney is out-fundraising President Obama. Camel rides in the Circle K parking lot were a good idea after all.

Michael Phelps has admitted to peeing in the pool. You win a pile of gold medals like he has and you can pee in line at the grocery store.

Olympic athletes say there's a lot of sex going on in the Olympic Village. The Olympics -- the only time when all nations truly do come together.

President Obama's lead is growing over Mitt Romney. This after the President announced that he, too, pees in the pool.

In your dreams, Pee Wee Herman

Dreams are always weird. At least for me. I never just dream that I'm out on the patio drinking a beer. But I will dream that I'm out on the patio drinking Pepto Bismol out of a boot while Alan Rickman recites sonnets as he circles me on marshmallow rollerblades.

Around the same time of the theater shooting on Friday the 20th, I woke up in a panic. In my dream Magnum P.I. broke into my house. It was Mexican Tom Selleck, and he was complete with corduroy short-shorts and a Colt pistol. He held Levi and me hostage while he, I don't know, raided our closets for button down Hawaiian shirts? Anyway, I was scared enough that it woke me up, and all I could think was "I need a gun. I'll put it right here by the bed where I can grab it approximately two minutes after some asshole's already in my house because I wear earplugs at night and will sleep through the breaking window sound." So there's that.

A few months ago Levi had a dream that the giant, white, wolf-like dog that lives four blocks away attacked us. Then, that morning, that same exact very same dog was sniffing around our driveway, trying to get into our backyard. So there's that, too.

I know it's unbelievable, but last night I had a dream that Pee-Wee Herman narrated the new Batman movie. Then this happened: