Why I can't be a vegetarian

Levi and I just started using a juicer, and the thing with a juicer is it makes juice, but it also produces monstrous piles of pulp. We made two mason jars full of beet-carrot-apple juice, but we have to wade through five feet of beet-carrot-apple pulp to get to it. It's like Kim Kardashian -- when she's masticated by fame, she only makes a thimble full of marriage, but several buckets full of ass.

To clarify, Kim Kardashian is way less awesome, and far less loyal than a kitchen appliance.

One thing you can do with veggie pulp is turn it into veggie burgers. Awesome, right? It's like growing a banana tree out of a turd. But less gross. So today I used two cups of veggie pulp to make 500 veggie burgers, and I fried one up for myself only to discover that a veggie burger doesn't appeal to me. Something that is one hundred percent healthy for me is unappetizing. Unless I put bacon on it. I know this is a problem a lot of people have, and I'd just like to say we don't need a twelve-step program, or a meat shrink (nobody needs one of those), or a buddy who calls and reminds us to feel ourselves up for pork products (no comment). We just need to eat bacon. So here's to doing what you need to do -- here's to veggie burgers with bacon on them.

Newsletter

Mitt Romney is still picking up delegates. He has to hold them down and threaten to cut off their hair, but still.


A Mississippi mother was Tasered twice outside of her child's school. Which is slightly more embarrassing than having your mom pick you up at school in her tanning bed. 


"The Avengers" is shattering all kinds of box office records. For instance, it's the first movie to make more than $200 million without drowning Leonardo DiCaprio.


Mitt Romney says pumping cash into the auto industry was his idea. And holding down the economy and cutting its hair off? That was his idea, too.


Bristol Palin has taken a stance against President Obama's support of gay marriage. And she says for $260,000 a year, she'll be the spokesperson for abstinence before not getting gay married.


President Obama made the cover of Newsweek. You guessed it -- in the cover photo he's breast feeding Joe Biden.


A Wisconsin man was cut off from an all-you-can-eat fish fry. He's obviously upset, considering the constitutional amendment that promises all Americans a right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of morbid obesity.


Mitt Romney now has 18 grandkids. And an elevator for every one of them. 


The most well-read cities in the U.S. have been named. One of them was not Palin-ville.


Three members of The Wiggles children's quartet are leaving. You know how it is -- one still wants to wiggle while the other three want to squirm.


Drinking coffee has been linked to a long life. Which is great if you can outlive the Starbucks line.

The ladies behind whom you should not stand

Here they are, the ladies behind whom you should not stand:

Don't stand behind them, or they will the delay the making of your sandwich by approximately ten minutes. They will ask to sample the asparagus (it tastes like asparagus!). They will ask to sample the macaroni salad (it tastes like macaroni salad!). They will ask to sample the spinach soup (it tastes like spinach soup!). They will ask to sample the chicken salad (it tastes like chicken salad!). 

The big hats are for keeping the sun from scorching their smugness. Unfortunately, they also block the illusion that there are other people in line. If I had to guess, I'd guess that these ladies also drive their Lexus luxury eggs while wearing these hats, so watch the fuck out; the big hats yield only to things marinated in balsamic vinegar and that fit into a tiny plastic cup.

Thanks, Mother's Day Google Doodle!

This was the Mother's Day 2012 Google doodle:

And it was animated -- the two tiny little kiddie o's came out from an invisible door, ran, and, careful to avoid the pearl necklace Dad got her last year for letter-versary, jumped into little g's arms, handing her a flower that probably came with a homemade coupon book, which allows her to exchange little slips of construction paper for things she doesn't really want -- a smudgy car wash, homemade Kraft dinner (Spaghetti O's would be too terrifying), and an insufferably pointy back rub. But she loves them so much because that's what g's do -- they love their little o's no matter how lame their homemade coupon book is.

My Mother's Day Google doodle was me, the lowercase "l', running to my mom's arms with a coupon for a margarita and the promise that I will always always need so much from her. So when will Mom exchange the coupon for me to come to her house and take another rake from her garage? Or the coupon for her to take me and Levi out for dinner at a restaurant of our choosing? Or the coupon for her to stop by with a pineapple, a pint of strawberries, and a bottle of mojito mix, just because?

As a side note, little g could've had an entirely different set of twins -- twins that never wanted to be together. Like y's. What do you do with a couple of little bitty y's who never want to hang out? I guess if you have twin y's, you just have to hope you're in China. 

This is as close to a food blog as it's gonna get

Always remember: food from the sky tastes better, and is better for you.

If your lunch winks at you, you'll need a longer lunch break. Bring your camera and a whip.

Take your time when selecting a beverage to wash down your choice of prophylactic.

When you're at Casa Bonita, it's okay to look at your food, but never, ever touch it.

Always use the proper utensil; start with the fork on the outside, and work your way in to the tongue on the inside.

Newsletter

Jessica Simpson gave birth to a baby girl. Or, as Jessica is referring to her, a little princess of the sea.

Ann Romney has called her husband "wild and crazy". I mean, did you see the part in his hair yesterday? 

"Dog Whisperer" Cesar Milan just got divorced. His wife didn't sit, she didn't stay, and she certainly didn't know when to come.

Justin Bieber is giving away golden tickets. Which is really exciting, especially if you like a chocolate river that tastes like hairspray.

According to a new scientific paper, sex-for-hire robots will be available by 2050. But let's focus on a robot that can make a decent hamburger first, shall we?

Controversial US pastor Terry Jones has burned another Koran. Somebody get that guy a stick and a marshmallow already.

John Edwards' trial continues. John finds taking the stand to be much like running for office -- you get up in front of people and promise to them you're not telling lies.

A New Jersey mother has been accused of letting her 5-year-old daughter use a tanning bed. Even worse, last week she let her kid get into the hot tub with "Jersey Shore's" The Situation.

Earlier this week Ann Romney wore a blouse that sells for a thousand dollars. And you know what else? She parks it in her two hundred and seventeen-blouse garage.

Michelle Bachmann will endorse Mitt Romney. She already said she doesn't think he can beat President Obama, but, you know, at least he's not a woman.

Edvard Munch's iconic "The Scream" sold for a record price at nearly $120 million. You know "The Scream" -- it's that painting of a man reacting to news that Newt Gingrich is endorsing Mitt Romney.

In the news

NUMBER ONE

In the photo above you see:

A)  The New Jersey woman who let her 5-year-old daughter use a tanning bed.

B)  The New Jersey woman responsible for a county-wide lemon juice shortage.
C)  The New Jersey woman who's always looking for her little orange kitty.


NUMBER TWO

In the photo above you see:

A)  The motorcycle responsible for a San Francisco man's two-year erection.

B)  The periwinkle motorcycle Batman turned down in favor of "that cool-looking black one".

C)  The motorcycle for sale on San Francisco Craigslist that "goes really fast," "looks really cool," and "should never be looked at with a UV light".  

NUMBER THREE

In the photo above you see:

A)  A dude who digs khaki pants.

B)  A dude who digs dad jeans.

C)  A dude whose wife describes him as "wild and crazy".

NUMBER FOUR

In the photo above you see:

A)  The thing that will be the biggest it will be in 2012 on the 5th of May.

B)  A generous hunk of camembert.

C)  The thing that will hover above you this Saturday night while you're wearing white cowboy boots and a charro outfit, vomiting Corona onto the pinata candy. 

NUMBER ONE: All of the above.

NUMBER TWO: All of the above.

NUMBER THREE: All of the above.

NUMBER FOUR: All of the above, or A and B, depending on if you still have the charro outfit on.