This Just In: War Hero John McCain Tortures Nation

I tried to watch John McCain's acceptance speech last night. And I did---I did watch some of it. But I must have faltered just as he was getting to the twenty fifth minute of explaining how he's a war veteran because I found myself waking to my own warm slobber tugging on my lip, and there, up on the screen, was an image of an at least three hundred and fifty pound Republican wearing a stuffed elephant on her head and waving an American flag from her rolling fat chair. That was interesting, no doubt. But then the camera flashed back to the man of the hour, who clearly had forgotten to iron his face before the big show, but who'd certainly remembered to remind everyone of his days in a Vietnamese prison. Even after my dream of Julie Andrews spinning in song across that lush expanse of grass in McCain's background, dude was virtually taking his jacket off, unbuttoning his shirt to prove his days of torture. Besides the fact that he's a war hero, McCanDo promised to deliver the nation from the damage done to it by the very party he represents. An intriguing idea. Kind of like raping a woman, getting her pregnant, then telling her it's okay, she can just have an abortion, only she can't have an abortion because you forbid it. Here, therefore, is a t-shirt/bumper sticker idea: Abort John McCain in the Last Trimester. Wink-wink.