The New Driving While Texting

The last few days, but really since people starting knitting and faxing and eating drive-thru ribs in their cars, I've noticed the drivers we all hate are turning me into one of the drivers we all hate. I'll slow down for a glimpse of high-speed accident carnage like anyone, but I'll also watch my rearview mirror for unsafe stretches of time so I can see which fruit stand the squabbling, makeup-ing, and texting drivers will plow through. Will he slap that bitch so hard with the back of his pickled pig's foot that he rear-ends the beer truck in front of him? Will the pomeranian on her lap cause her to cross the double yellow line of eyeliner and veer into a smear of oncoming traffic? Will she LOL long enough that she launches off the side of that bridge and into the river of OMG below? We're stupid. And we have really well-shaded eyelids. And we don't have to wait for the future when we'll all be wearing those ugly tiger-striped, NFL team-themed lounge pants on our Segways, tilting to and fro, while we pack our Cheeto holes with something made out of corn syrup and figure out a way to balance Pookie on the master controls to have a reason to gawk at one another. So bend that rubbery neck, friends, take your eyes off the road, and watch that lost-looking Asian guy until something fun happens.