Segway: The Leader in Personal Lameness

This is the best shot I could get from my bike of a Segway tour rolling across the Platte River:

You've seen it before -- an older fellow wearing brightly-colored football team-themed pajama pants, a button down silk shirt, and a Bell helmet from the 90's leading a herd of Segway virgins to his sacred, secluded tent site to become his spiritual wives. Don't do it. Don't take the Segway tour. Just don't.

But in case you were wondering, Segway has a whole shitstorm of vehicles. You can get the regular Segway, or the turf Segway, or the golf Segway, or you can stick to the American favorite, the lawnmower Segway, which is just like a Segway, but a riding lawnmower. That last one comes with a beer cooler.

Segway calls itself "the leader in personal, green transportation," which I think Nike may have something to say about. Segway would contest because if you lean too far forward on your Nike Free Runs (a shoe, or a well-cushioned laxative?), you will fall on your face, but if you lean too far forward on your Segway, you will look retarded at a different angle.