Newsletter

Ben Roethlisberger got married. She's just his type -- blonde, thin, doesn't read the newspaper.

Former "The Price is Right" host Bob Barker has given $230,000 to house chimps in Louisiana. A couple thousand goes toward the habitat, the rest goes to monkey Plinko.

Robert Ettinger, the founder of the cryonics movement and of the Cryonics Institute, has died. Coming to an arena near you, Disney's Robert Ettinger on Ice.

It's hurricane season. You can tell because congress is boarding up its willingness to compromise.

We're just a year away from the Olympics in London. London's almost ready -- they just have to hire a few hundred thousand more Chinese drummers.

Congressman Wu's got himself a sex scandal. Too bad because after Congressman Wiener got in trouble, I had all of my money on Congressman Wang.

Walmart is now offering streaming video on its website. Which means they can move on to their next project -- virtual employee rights.

A lesbian at Dollywood was asked by an employee to turn her T-shirt reading "marriage is so gay" inside-out to avoid offending others. In fact, it offended everyone riding the coaster up Boob Mountain.

Jennifer Lopez is talking about her split from Marc Anthony. Sounds like the hardest part of the whole divorce will be deciding how to split up the booty.

Casey Anthony will be required to serve a year of probation for fraud charges. Sounds like somebody's trunk smelled like bad checks.

Dolly Parton says a fan once left a baby on her doorstep. Which I'm sure took a load off somebody's chest.

The U.S. has recovered $180 million in cocaine from a sunken submarine. Which means now Congress can either raise the debt ceiling again or Congress can raise the roof.

An ocean exploration team may have found a UFO on the ocean floor. It's either a UFO, or it's a URLS: Unidentified Red Lobster Special.

The U.S. is experiencing a heat wave. And here I thought only a sex scandal could make a congressman sweat.