Presidential blahblahblah debate round-up

Great debate. Really quality stuff. It kind of reminded me of the time in high school when I prepared for the wrong side of a Federalism debate, then got up in front of the class and sweat profusely through some ugly nineties sweater from the clearance section of the Gap. Only at least my sweater was more interesting than two grown men not having to explain themselves. It would've been great if one of the candidates had prepared for the other guy's side and then accidentally kissed the other guy's wife at the conclusion, which is not what I did because, you know...braces.

Speaking of lips, did you see that part of the debate where President Obama and Mitt Romney looked like they were either going to hit each other in the governator, or make out with each other awkwardly like in that scene from "American Beauty" where the psycho Army dad kisses Kevin Spacey's character because the psycho Army dad thought his son was giving Kevin Spacey's character blow jobs, but really psycho Army dad had some very pent-up sexuality, which he needed to let out after years of hiding behind a buzz cut and a cabinet full of antique firearms and Nazi dinnerware? Why couldn't they have just kissed? Or, Jesus, throw us a bone -- some lube wrestling maybe? We don't hit the mute button during your campaign ads and immediately recycle your political pamphlets for nothing.

And thank goodness Mitt Romney has solved the problem of gun violence: if a person has two parents (presumably a man and a woman, since same-sex couples cannot operate as parents when they are pillars of salt), that person will not put a cap in yo ass.  

Have we learned by now that the debate timer is total bullshit? The countdown clock turns yellow, then it turns red, then it disappears, and the candidate gets to keep talking. Until he's done. Unless the other guy says something he disagrees with, then he can butt in and say more when it's not his turn. Why do we have this countdown clock? To remind us that time is infinite, like God on money, and congressional holidays, and the federal deficit. When your time is out, you should have to stop talking. Then the moderator will turn the air on in your private booth, and you'll have a chance to swat at and stuff dollar bills into your shirt until it's your turn to speak again.