This Just In: War Hero John McCain Tortures Nation

I tried to watch John McCain's acceptance speech last night. And I did---I did watch some of it. But I must have faltered just as he was getting to the twenty fifth minute of explaining how he's a war veteran because I found myself waking to my own warm slobber tugging on my lip, and there, up on the screen, was an image of an at least three hundred and fifty pound Republican wearing a stuffed elephant on her head and waving an American flag from her rolling fat chair. That was interesting, no doubt. But then the camera flashed back to the man of the hour, who clearly had forgotten to iron his face before the big show, but who'd certainly remembered to remind everyone of his days in a Vietnamese prison. Even after my dream of Julie Andrews spinning in song across that lush expanse of grass in McCain's background, dude was virtually taking his jacket off, unbuttoning his shirt to prove his days of torture. Besides the fact that he's a war hero, McCanDo promised to deliver the nation from the damage done to it by the very party he represents. An intriguing idea. Kind of like raping a woman, getting her pregnant, then telling her it's okay, she can just have an abortion, only she can't have an abortion because you forbid it. Here, therefore, is a t-shirt/bumper sticker idea: Abort John McCain in the Last Trimester. Wink-wink.

Resident Squirrel Update

I try to keep Squirrel's diet limited to stale bread and mixed nuts, but I've recently broadened that menu with Craisins, corn, and pie crust. [Note: he will not eat Craisins.] The other day Levi and I witnessed him ravaging a Burger King fry bag. We found it sad that he didn't notice how the lone fry [remember that old Western?] inside could be easily accessed via the large opening at the top of the pouch. But I've heard this through-the-bag technique is also how Laura Ingraham consumes her fast food, so maybe it's just that Squirrel's a Conservative.

Below is Squirrel, who joined us on the porch the other night during dinner time, sans side dish. Not only do these photograph exhibit the redundancy of corn holders, but I believe there is also evidence in them of Squirrel's allegiance to the dark side.

I Can Has Your Nuts?

I returned home from work the other day and found this at the back window:

Pretty sure he's there because I'm feeding him pieces of my dinner. I hear this isn't so good for them and can actually lead to a sad little squirrel death. But they're so goddamned cute.

When my mom sees a squirrel, this is what she does:

She's far more likely to nab one in one of her specially-designed squirrel cages, though, which, when occupied, she'll place in a plastic bag and secure to the back end of a running car. Yeah, I know---when's the last time you saw a Nazi in periwinkle pants? 

Levi found a new site, failblog.org. Visiting it will change your life. 

A Good Punch in the Face

We have an alley in back of our house. If you don't have an alley, you should get one, because that way other people can block you from getting into your garage or your driveway or the street, or, really, wherever it is you're trying to go. 

The other day a fellow had his mammoth truck parked in the middle of the alley, clogging it like a turd in a straw. He's dinking around with something in his garage, comes out, sees me waiting in my car, goes back into his garage. This causes my lips to purse and me to wait. I waited. I waited for him to come back out to see that I was still waiting, but with pursed lips this time. I guess the lips did something because he got in his car to move it. Only, he didn't just move it, he made me back up for him. He didn't pull his fucking truck over to the side a little bit so my thimble of a car could poke through. He make me back up out of his way. After he drove by, out of site (I guess to the street in front of his house), I had my house keys in my hand, out the window, ready to key his other car. But I decided that that's not what neighbors do. So later that night I fashioned his likeness into a life-size doll and scorched it in the backyard.

Then, today, Levi and I are returning from a happy hour on a motorcycle, and, lo, there's something blocking the alley. But not completely. The bike can fit through tiny gaps, so Levi goes for it, figuring that the man leaning against this truck will likely step aside as we motor by. But the dick doesn't budge, just watches us as we butter ourselves up so we can slip through the crack between him and the fence. So thanks, jackass, for stepping aside. I hope you're good at driving without brakes. 

Get an alley. Really, you're gonna love it.

The Warmth of James Earl Jones

As I awoke this morning, I was thinking of far-off things, as I usually do when I awake: an accordion made of butter; day-glo sweatpants on Dolly Parton (turns out you wouldn't even notice them); and, today, James Earl Jones on the toilet. This last occurrence is the only of the three that I've experienced first hand, thanks to a trip to the Late Show and a duck that appreciated cottage cheese. I didn't see James Earl Jones on the toilet, but I did hear him on the toilet and, when he was done, I assumed his throne, and I did feel the heat of him left on the seat. It was very intimate and something I immediately called to tell a friend about. And you thought there was nothing warm about Darth Vader. 

This is my left ankle:

(This is where a picture of my ankle should be, but I tried to take a picture and, because I'm freakishly pale, my camera couldn't translate what it saw into anything but a square of pure white.)

When I was five of six or seven my mom was giving me a ride on the back of one of my grandpa's brakeless bicycles. She took a right turn, I failed to keep my legs out, and my left foot was sucked into the spokes much like a bony, featherless goose is sucked into a jet engine, but without the sucking. My leg twisted around for a bit before my mom figured out I was screaming, not about how much fun I was having, but about a bloody, mangled appendage being cleaned of its skin. She and some nearby horrified neighbors pried me from the wheel, carried me to a bright orange Volvo wagon (the closest thing to an ambulance we had access to), and we were off to St. Anthony's where a large nurse in tights and a wedge hat (I know!) scraped, with a wire brush, whatever was left of my ankle into a stainless steel bin. I don't remember the noises I made, but they were, apparently, quite obvious. 

Here's that horrible bike:

Here's that horrible nurse:

Let's Milk It

This particular piece, a collaborative effort, is a firm reminder of postmodern rule. Its simple lines are skewed, but certain--a classic signature of Billy and Colby. Notice a hint of malignancy in the left breast; no doubt the artists were referring to the struggle between first period and their preliminary recess.

Donated by Acres Green Elementary School, 2004

Fat Guys Don't Waterboard

Because I write the jokes five days a week, I read a lot of flipping news. Every news site has a health page, the new black. Most of the supposed news on these health pages is about fat people: scientists find that jogging may help fat people be less fat; Twinkies add to waistline, scientists say; studies show that eating the family dog may be a sign of fatness; etc. Do you think that, when every health-related story our nation produces is written, not with ink, but with trans fats, that we maybe have a problem? Regardless, I urge you to visit your favorite online news source's Obesity Update before some fat guy eats it.

Speaking of Twinkies, I read today that President Bush is vetoing legislation that would force interrogators to knock off the waterboarding already. Wikipedia tells me that this torture tool is like drowning, but with a way cool burlap bag over your head. Here's a fun waterboarding picture:

Here's a better one:

Notice in the first picture how merry the waterboarders seem. Proof that systematic torture can be fun. But I suppose if you watch American Idol, you already know that. And doesn't it appear as if the torturer in the second picture is getting the building janitor back for a bad office prank? I mean, really, who does their torturing in a tie? Anywhoo (does that annoy you?), Waterboard or Die, right Bushy? Oh, and Save the Whale Steaks.