Newsletter

A new CDC report shows that more children are swallowing small batteries. And, no, "Eat My Batteries Elmo" didn't help one bit.

A new study shows that people with purple bedrooms have the most active sex lives. Let me clarify -- people with purple bedrooms, and zero Star Wars action figures.

A 7-year old Colorado girl survived the Bubonic Plague. Another win for Flintstones vitamins.

Snooki is showing off her new baby. Hopefully soon someone will let her know that you're supposed to carry those things with the head at the top.

Dick Cheney is taking jabs at President Obama. The President's just glad Cheney's not taking shots.

A new study shows that letting babies cry for a minute is okay. Let them cry for a bit, THEN explain to them the consequences of shaking a baby.

Bob Dylan has a new album. You have to give him credit -- most old guys his age are just talking to empty chairs.

The iPhone 5 is now for sale. Goodbye Siri, hello James Earl Jones.Some creationists are boycotting Dr. Pepper. But they'll be back just as soon as Dr. Pepper admits that, on the third day, God created corn syrup.

Mitt Romney is trying to connect with latino voters. He says he and Ann always drive around with a bag of Taco Bell strapped to the roof of their car.

A faded piece of papyrus referring to Jesus' wife has been found. You don't turn a vat of water into wine and end up going home alone.

Russia has revealed that an asteroid field in Siberia contains as much as $1 trillion in diamonds. If Vladimir Putin hasn't gone swimming bare-chested in them, I'm not interested.

Chick-fil-A has agreed to stop funding anti-gay groups. They've finally realized that even guys with excellent taste in home decorating have poor taste in chicken sandwiches.

Signs you shouldn't rent that house

If you're looking for a place to rent, here are a few things to avoid:

1. The "For Rent" sign is chained to the house.

2. The neighborhood meth dealer is chained to the house.

3. The neighborhood meth dealer is chained to the "For Rent" sign that's chained to the house.

USA Pro Cycling Challenge Half-A-Brat Hand-Up

No rider at the USA Pro Cycling Challenge time trial race a week ago even thought about taking my half-a-brat hand up. 

Newsletter

Billionaire George Soros is getting married for the third time. She's forty, and he's 20 billion.

Kenny G has filed for divorce. Obviously his wife got tired of having the second-best perm in the house.

A man accidentally shot himself in the buttocks at a Nevada movie theater. At least he didn't shoot himself in the ten-dollar popcorn.

Augusta National has admitted its first women. They'll be officially inducted and given their green aprons in the very near future.

Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan both condemn Congressman Yoder, who went for a skinny dip in the Sea of Galilee. It gives a bad name to the Republican party when its congressmen are having fun that doesn't discriminate against women.

Lance Armstrong's titles have been stripped from him. But something tells me there's basically just one important thing you can take from a guy who's already lost a testicle to cancer.

A new Gawker report shows that Mitt Romney is hiding lots of money in offshore accounts. Not only that, but Neil Armstrong just died, and he's the only guy who knew about Mitt's stash on the moon.

Snooki has given birth to a baby boy. She can't wait until the little guy's big enough to drag mommy out of her own vomit.

Katy Perry turned down a $20 million deal to be a judge on "American Idol". American Idol's mistake was offering Katy money instead of Ring Pops and candy necklaces.

A man trying to create a Bigfoot hoax died on a Montana highway after being hit by two cars. Nothing helps disprove a Bigfoot theory like scraping a guy in a wookie suit off the road.

Mitt Romney's advisors are trying to improve his image. Please tell me they remember what happened when they added lipstick to Sarah Palin.

Ann Romney says she doesn't like using a teleprompter. Almost as much as Sarah Palin hated using a subscription to "The Washington Post".

Michele Bachmann says that President Obama's "extreme wealth" disallows him from relating to "the common man". All part of Michele's campaign to be the first woman forcefully sent to Mars.

They're still cleaning up the confetti at the GOP convention. They want to get every single piece of it since they made it out of Mitt's last ten years of tax returns.

Newsletter

Texas has executed a murderer with an IQ of 61. Right after they let the guy eat his last Happy Meal.

A toy company is suing Lady Gaga for more than $10 million. Sounds like a lot of money, but Lady Gaga has that kind of change in the back pocket of her mylar spork pants.

Professional eater Joey Chestnut ate 144 chicken wings in 10 minutes. Taking the gold medal in the 100 meter fat guy.

Mitt Romney says he would consider bombing Iran. But only if he finds evidence that Iran does, indeed, have a middle class. 

Dick Cheney says Sarah Palin never should've been picked as a vice presidential hopeful. She didn't have the experience, she didn't have the drive, and she certainly didn't have the baboon heart.

A study from Ancestry.com has determined that President Obama is related to the first black African enslaved for life in America. Meanwhile, it's been discovered that Mitt Romney is related to the first man to have a humidor in his bathroom.

Sheryl Crow has been granted a temporary restraining order. Those skinny jeans that make her feel fat have to stay at least 500 feet away.

The U.S. women's gymnastic team won gold. Now that they've proven themselves, maybe the U.S. will consider hemming up their warmup pants.

A New York City penthouse has been listed for 100 million dollars. Sounds like a lot, but for that price you get a view of your offshore bank accounts.

Michael Phelps is the most decorated olympian of all time. He has so many olympic medals, he could melt them down into a presidential campaign.

Half of U.S. counties are drought disaster areas. It's so dry, Mitt Romney's had to start moisturizing his gaffes.

The 911 calls of a Cape Cod shark attack victim have been released. You can hear screams and something about spending the next summer vacation in Ohio.

The Curiosity Rover is rolling around Mars. Now if only it would take its finger off of the camera lens.

Mitt Romney is out-fundraising President Obama. Camel rides in the Circle K parking lot were a good idea after all.

Michael Phelps has admitted to peeing in the pool. You win a pile of gold medals like he has and you can pee in line at the grocery store.

Olympic athletes say there's a lot of sex going on in the Olympic Village. The Olympics -- the only time when all nations truly do come together.

President Obama's lead is growing over Mitt Romney. This after the President announced that he, too, pees in the pool.

In your dreams, Pee Wee Herman

Dreams are always weird. At least for me. I never just dream that I'm out on the patio drinking a beer. But I will dream that I'm out on the patio drinking Pepto Bismol out of a boot while Alan Rickman recites sonnets as he circles me on marshmallow rollerblades.

Around the same time of the theater shooting on Friday the 20th, I woke up in a panic. In my dream Magnum P.I. broke into my house. It was Mexican Tom Selleck, and he was complete with corduroy short-shorts and a Colt pistol. He held Levi and me hostage while he, I don't know, raided our closets for button down Hawaiian shirts? Anyway, I was scared enough that it woke me up, and all I could think was "I need a gun. I'll put it right here by the bed where I can grab it approximately two minutes after some asshole's already in my house because I wear earplugs at night and will sleep through the breaking window sound." So there's that.

A few months ago Levi had a dream that the giant, white, wolf-like dog that lives four blocks away attacked us. Then, that morning, that same exact very same dog was sniffing around our driveway, trying to get into our backyard. So there's that, too.

I know it's unbelievable, but last night I had a dream that Pee-Wee Herman narrated the new Batman movie. Then this happened:

Goodwill goes grammar-free

I like the Goodwill -- it's smart, it's economical, it's an experience. It is, however, generally not fart-free; every time you shop at a Goodwill, it's pretty much guaranteed you're going to get tooted on by a stranger wearing a pair of violet velour stretch pants. That aside, the Goodwill is a great way to not waste things. Except for apostrophes, apparently:

I was at the Goodwill on a half-off Saturday, which is sort of like dipping yourself in nacho cheese, then going to the Super Bowl. The place was thick with scavengers, and let me tell you -- extreme bargain shoppers are motherfucking relentless. There's junk in the Goodwill they didn't even know they wanted, but when they find it, bless their used underpants souls, they want it bad to the bone. I didn't have the patience to wade through all of the sale-damp flesh to get photos of the other posters, but trust me, there are as many apostrophes missing from the Goodwill's posters as there are navajo sofas in the basement. All I'm saying is, hey, Goodwill -- maybe don't let the "special" people on the side of your truck do your grammar check.