Newsletter

Texas has executed a murderer with an IQ of 61. Right after they let the guy eat his last Happy Meal.

A toy company is suing Lady Gaga for more than $10 million. Sounds like a lot of money, but Lady Gaga has that kind of change in the back pocket of her mylar spork pants.

Professional eater Joey Chestnut ate 144 chicken wings in 10 minutes. Taking the gold medal in the 100 meter fat guy.

Mitt Romney says he would consider bombing Iran. But only if he finds evidence that Iran does, indeed, have a middle class. 

Dick Cheney says Sarah Palin never should've been picked as a vice presidential hopeful. She didn't have the experience, she didn't have the drive, and she certainly didn't have the baboon heart.

A study from Ancestry.com has determined that President Obama is related to the first black African enslaved for life in America. Meanwhile, it's been discovered that Mitt Romney is related to the first man to have a humidor in his bathroom.

Sheryl Crow has been granted a temporary restraining order. Those skinny jeans that make her feel fat have to stay at least 500 feet away.

The U.S. women's gymnastic team won gold. Now that they've proven themselves, maybe the U.S. will consider hemming up their warmup pants.

A New York City penthouse has been listed for 100 million dollars. Sounds like a lot, but for that price you get a view of your offshore bank accounts.

Michael Phelps is the most decorated olympian of all time. He has so many olympic medals, he could melt them down into a presidential campaign.

Half of U.S. counties are drought disaster areas. It's so dry, Mitt Romney's had to start moisturizing his gaffes.

The 911 calls of a Cape Cod shark attack victim have been released. You can hear screams and something about spending the next summer vacation in Ohio.

The Curiosity Rover is rolling around Mars. Now if only it would take its finger off of the camera lens.

Mitt Romney is out-fundraising President Obama. Camel rides in the Circle K parking lot were a good idea after all.

Michael Phelps has admitted to peeing in the pool. You win a pile of gold medals like he has and you can pee in line at the grocery store.

Olympic athletes say there's a lot of sex going on in the Olympic Village. The Olympics -- the only time when all nations truly do come together.

President Obama's lead is growing over Mitt Romney. This after the President announced that he, too, pees in the pool.

In your dreams, Pee Wee Herman

Dreams are always weird. At least for me. I never just dream that I'm out on the patio drinking a beer. But I will dream that I'm out on the patio drinking Pepto Bismol out of a boot while Alan Rickman recites sonnets as he circles me on marshmallow rollerblades.

Around the same time of the theater shooting on Friday the 20th, I woke up in a panic. In my dream Magnum P.I. broke into my house. It was Mexican Tom Selleck, and he was complete with corduroy short-shorts and a Colt pistol. He held Levi and me hostage while he, I don't know, raided our closets for button down Hawaiian shirts? Anyway, I was scared enough that it woke me up, and all I could think was "I need a gun. I'll put it right here by the bed where I can grab it approximately two minutes after some asshole's already in my house because I wear earplugs at night and will sleep through the breaking window sound." So there's that.

A few months ago Levi had a dream that the giant, white, wolf-like dog that lives four blocks away attacked us. Then, that morning, that same exact very same dog was sniffing around our driveway, trying to get into our backyard. So there's that, too.

I know it's unbelievable, but last night I had a dream that Pee-Wee Herman narrated the new Batman movie. Then this happened:

Goodwill goes grammar-free

I like the Goodwill -- it's smart, it's economical, it's an experience. It is, however, generally not fart-free; every time you shop at a Goodwill, it's pretty much guaranteed you're going to get tooted on by a stranger wearing a pair of violet velour stretch pants. That aside, the Goodwill is a great way to not waste things. Except for apostrophes, apparently:

I was at the Goodwill on a half-off Saturday, which is sort of like dipping yourself in nacho cheese, then going to the Super Bowl. The place was thick with scavengers, and let me tell you -- extreme bargain shoppers are motherfucking relentless. There's junk in the Goodwill they didn't even know they wanted, but when they find it, bless their used underpants souls, they want it bad to the bone. I didn't have the patience to wade through all of the sale-damp flesh to get photos of the other posters, but trust me, there are as many apostrophes missing from the Goodwill's posters as there are navajo sofas in the basement. All I'm saying is, hey, Goodwill -- maybe don't let the "special" people on the side of your truck do your grammar check. 

Newsletter

A new study finds that babies in dog-owning families may be healthier. But only if those families are buying the good dog food.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes seem to be settling their divorce amicably. Katie gets half of the houses, Tom gets to keep his collection of Tom Cruise pictures.

Republicans are strategizing on how to win the youth vote. But so far their "I've got your nose" trick isn't working.

A study finds that September 11th is television's most memorable moment. The only thing that could top it, really, is if someone flies a plane into The Bachelor.

Tom Cruise has been married three times. Which I think qualifies him for the next color Scientology belt.

Texas has exhausted its supply of a drug it uses during executions. I guess now we get to find out how long it takes a guy to die after being injected with cornbread.

A Florida club is suing Octomom Nadya Suleman after she backed out of a deal to strip for them. Well, she tried to back out, but her uterus wouldn't fit through the door.

Kourtney Kardashian has given birth to a baby girl. The delivery didn't take much time at all, and it still lasted longer than her sister's marriage.

Mitt Romney isn't happy with President Obama's ads. It's not the content of the ads, it's just that Barack's always using the same token black guy. 

Auditors say billions of dollars were wasted in rebuilding Iraq. Turns out the U.S. should've just gone with IKEA Iraq.

A Colorado boss gives his employees $7,500 in spending money for their paid vacations. Sort of like how when Mitt Romney was at Bain Capital and he gave his employees a free trip to China.

A South Carolina funeral home will sell Starbucks coffee. You can get your latte in grande, vente, or urn.

Rush Limbaugh says the latest Batman villain is an attack on Mitt Romney. Makes sense since Bane never released his tax returns, either.

This drought is really serious. But as long as it doesn't affect the Cheetos crop, Americans should be just fine.

A Pete Rose reality show is in the works. Pete's already betting it'll be a hit.

Ann Romney says her darkest hour was when she was diagnosed with MS. That and when she thought she got tomato sauce on her thousand dollar shirt. 

Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

A friend of mine is raising chickens in his backyard. Recently one of these chickens humped the cat and was spotted sporting truck nuts on his Hummer, revealing himself as a rooster. Since you can't have a rooster in town, and since it was dinner time, Scott had some friends over for a most fascinating dining experience. 

I wish I had a picture of the rooster, Prince William, before he was just parts in a bucket. But I don't, so here are some of the ladies from the henhouse. They were eager to punish Prince William for his recent rape crimes. 

Once in the garage, Seth thanked the Prince for his life and promised him we would all one day return to the earth just like he was about to. Although hopefully none of us will return to the earth after bleeding out into a metal pail. 

KFC's lowest-priced bucket of chicken still comes with a biscuit and a side of coleslaw:

A tablespoon of dish soap in the boiling water, and the feathers pull right out. A tablespoon of dish soap on your bloodstained hands and face, and the guilt seems to remain. 

The dinner guests look on during plucking.

Little girl becomes bored with chicken murder, flees the scene to catch the last half of a "My Little Pony" DVD.

The ladies' sixth chicken sense kicking in:

Seth smoking a necessary post-butchering cig:

And Phillip giving the old middle finger to Colonel Sanders:

Thank you, Prince William, for a real good night, for a real good dinner, and for something to freaking blog about. 

My Caucus Leans to the Left

Best campaign shirt of all time:

Newsletter

Some new Obama ads claim Mitt Romney shipped jobs to China and India. But Mitt claims he was just sending those jobs on their Mormon mission.

Pablo Picasso's famous painting, "Woman in a Red Armchair," was vandalized at a museum in Houston. Which is causing the museum to reconsider hiring security officers with two eyes on the same side of their head.

Mitt Romney's reconsidering his run for president. The idea of having to live in just one giant house for four year gives him the chills.

The Supreme Court upheld Obamacare. Now on to bigger, more important issues -- like if socks and sandals are unconstitutional.

The Olympics aren't far away. I can tell because Bob Costas is starting to narrate my dreams.

Rapper 50 Cent was in a car accident. Thankfully, his car is equipped with automatic ho-bags.

According to a study that calculates the adult portion of the human race's collective weight, humanity is 17 million tons overweight. Which means we're only a chocolate milkshake away from cosmic fat pants.

The discovery of a double-headed sex toy mistaken for a mystical rare fungus brought national notoriety to a Chinese village this week. But let's be honest -- it probably did have a rare fungus on it.

Prince William is 30 years old. He celebrated by having someone else blow out his candles.

I can't tell what it is, but something feels different in my life today. Must've been Facebook changing my astrological sign without my permission.

Forty million stars have been mapped in a new night sky census. God pity the intern who had to count them all.