Free Herpes in the Alley

The thrift store is the place you go when you're looking for true vintage, when you want something for less money, or when you want free herpes, which are distributed for free in the alley -- half of free for seniors on Tuesdays. So I went to the Goodwill to find a picture frame because picture frames are always too expensive when purchased new. Plus, when you buy a used frame, there's always a chance you'll find a million dollars or Hitler's retainer when you rip open the paper backing. Let me emphasize the most important bullet point about thrift stores -- the less money bullet point. The thrift store is where people bring their shit. The thrift store sorts through the person's shit, then puts a tiny price tag on the shit in hopes of making a little bit of money off of that shit. And you can't tell me there's a system to the pricing because one wicker spoon cannot be five more dollars' worth of wicker than another wicker spoon. Same with the wicker chairs, wicker baskets, and wicker underpants from the 20's. So when a picture frame in a thrift store has a fifty dollar price tag on it, you know the guy with the far apart eyes who's been put in charge of the price tag machine is hiding behind a pair of Denver Broncos-themed polyester epaulettes while he watches and laughs like Butthead while you find the hilarious price tag on the picture frame you like.

Let me be perfectly clear, thrift stores -- your price tag machine should not have space for more than three numbers. It can be $1.99. It can be $5.99. It can be $9.99, but only if it's something from Michael Jackson's basement. But it cannot be $50.00. Because that price tag will automatically be peeled off and replaced with a real price tag. End of story.