Excuses, Excuses

During my stint as a graduate teacher of creative writing at CU, I had a student, one I saw maybe three times during the entire semester, who communicated with me only via email, presenting nothing but excuses for his continued absence from class.  I saved most of his emails and came across them the other day, thought I'd share some of his most creative work with you, original misspellings and poor punctuation included:

- Sorry I didn't attend class on Friday I got food poisoning from the dorm food Thursday night.  I read the Steve Martin article and have my two pieces from the books.  What should I do to be prepared for tomorrow's class.

- Tuesday night i had the bloodiest cough, which kept me up all night.  I took way to much nyquil at six in the morning and slept until four, which sucked cause that left my two hours before my differential equations exam.  Anyways, I hope i can make up the work i missed and be prepared for the class on Friday.  I completed my page on imagery and my journal.  would you like me to e-mail that too you?  Sorry for my absense.  Thanks

- I had court for a stupid ticket way down in Castle Rock at 2:00 on Wednesday.  I have the poem with the ten made up words and took notes on the workshop poems from my group.  if you'll accept either of these i can run them by your office today or class tomorrow.  What will prepare me for tomorrow's class?  Thanks

- Sorry about class today.  I left my parents house in south denver at 8:30 and didn't get up here till like 11:40.   Not really an excuse, i should of left yesterday.  I have my author presentation on Wednesday and have no idea on what to do.  Would you like to schedule a meeting or you can just send me an email on what your looking for in the presentation.  Thanks

- Yesterday morning some kid in Libby got to the power box and turned the power off then back on.  This happened at like five, neither me or my roommate woke up, and obviously my alarm never went off for class and I slept till one.  How can i be prepared for class tomorrow. Thanks

- As i told you before break, my grandpa died and i had to fly out to tennesse to attend his funeral on Thursday and i missed your classes on wednesday and Friday.  All last week my family and i had to help my grandma pack and move all of her belongings to Georgia where my aunt and uncle live.  In general, i have had the shitiest week of my life, missed my trip to Cancun with my  buds, and am now writing a five dollar email from the atlanta airport.  Our 6:40 flight was cancelled and i have to stay here another night and won't be on one until 10:20 tomorrow.  This means i will be missing your class yet again.  I'm so so so sorry for the inconvenience.  Please inform me of what i have to make up for Wednesday my author presentation is already to go and to be performed.  Thank you for your support, and i hope i can make up what i miss.  With grateful appreciation, X.

- i am having the worst week of my life.  My favorite relative dies, i sleep through the only f-in class i have to go to (yours), sleep all the way through your office hours, and now i'm going to get a strep culture because it feels like bacteria is eating away at my throat.  Missing your class in unexcusable, but i have been having the worst week of my life and i really just want to get out of this place.  I will do my presentation next Monday for you in office hours, I did my character sketch, now I just have to go to class.  Sorry i'm writing you all this shit cause it has nothing to do with anyone but me, but i have had the worst week of my life and now i'm getting sick AGAIN!  F dorm life.  Sorry, i'm going to go home till Friday and see how i feel, but can you send me the assignment for Friday.  Have a nice day, I wont

- I have been OVERWHELMED with work, but things are turning out alright(except for the five hours of sleep i barely get a night).  On Monday after class, I would like to make up that quiz, give you my author presentation paper, my character paper, and the re-written "little red riding hood".  Sorry this has taken so long but I have been OVERWHELMED (understatement).  Is there anything else i can do to salvage some more of my grade?  Extra Credit possibly?  Completely understand if not.  I will bring in the folder of all the work i have done for the class and maybe receive some credit for that?

- I have had a two months from hell like no one could imagine.  I have worked my ASS off in my other classes and have risen my grades, but i know i'm failing your class.  Would you pass me if i turned in all my make-up working (I mean EVERYTHING) in my portfolio as long with editing my work and completing the portfolio.  I have had such late nights and overlaps that have caused me to miss your class.  Just want this semester to be over

And you thought Presidentin' material only came from those Ivy League joints.