How To Get What You Want

When you want a beer, you go straight to Lindsay Lohan's glove compartment and get it.

When you want a headache, you use your Twitter account to send out photos of the bulge in your pants.

When you want an NBA championship ring, you produce your own prime time special, move to Miami, then keep on tryin'.

When you want to kiss David Letterman, you train your duck to eat cottage cheese out of your mouth, have a swig of whiskey, then walk onto the stage of the Ed Sullivan Theater.

When you want to take Alan Rickman out for a glass of wine, you take a swig of whiskey, then start writing a screenplay just for him.

This is just to say I haven't been so excited to write something since I revised the gospels. And, hot damn, this project probably won't get me sent to hell. So that's neat.