Talk of the Nation featured a story about how some states are passing bills that will require women who choose abortion to receive an ultrasound before going through with the procedure. And she'd get the kind of ultrasound built for the earlier weeks of pregnancy, which, instead of the usual goopy outside-of-the-belly monitor, involves inserting an electrified summer sausage (probably also goopy) into the woman's mitt*.
*mitt [mit], noun:
1) a part of a woman that gives men pleasure.
2) a part of a woman that makes a man absolutely, for sure, totally not gay.
3) the shape of the state that Mitt Romney was born in and that has trees of the right height.
Let's go over the GOP's current perspective on women's reproductive health:
A) Birth control is a sin. Don't take it.
B) Whoopsie, did you get pregnant? Why don't you step into these fun stirrups for a minute while we take a picture. And if you wait over here while your photos are printing, Rick Santorum would like to pray with you and the fetus inside of you that might someday wear a sweater vest and fight hard against basic human rights.
C) Also, we were wondering, ma'am -- do you weigh the same as a duck?
Virginia State Senator Janet Howell recently proposed a bill that would require men to undergo a rectal exam and a cardiac stress test before they could be prescribed medication for erectile dysfunction. Which is about as satisfying as the taste of bacon-wrapped dates stuffed with bleu cheese.
I'm sorry to say Senator Howell's bill is not a law, but I'm very happy to report that the bacon treats did pass just this morning.
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