I spent a few years of my life visiting pre-dentists at the dental school, which is like fun science experiment time for the students, but like Auschwitz for the patients. Once I volunteered to stay for a whole day while students could poke and prod and gawk at my big teeth in my tiny mouth in exchange for a couple of free cavity coupons. Free power drill in your teeth -- hooray! One time a student jammed into my teeny weeny mouth a dental dam, which is like an oversized condom for your uvula, and caused my jaw to lock. Permanently open mouth -- hooray! All the times it took no less than three hours for some horrible sort of pain to happen in the pie hole portion of my face. Pain happening in the pie hole portion of your face -- hooray!
I have been enlightened.
This week I visited real life dentist and got my teeth cleaned in less than eight Harry Potter movies. My mouth was still made fun of for being extraordinarily small, but I ate it up. I was like, "Yeah, lady in a full-faced plastic ninja mask -- I have a tiny mouth!" Because it took her a mere Harry Potter montage to clean my teeth. And it wasn't that much more expensive. And I still got free toothpaste and a free toothbrush and a free box of floss and to look at a pile of bloody gauze balls afterwards. I am so freaking happy.
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