Why I can't be a vegetarian

Levi and I just started using a juicer, and the thing with a juicer is it makes juice, but it also produces monstrous piles of pulp. We made two mason jars full of beet-carrot-apple juice, but we have to wade through five feet of beet-carrot-apple pulp to get to it. It's like Kim Kardashian -- when she's masticated by fame, she only makes a thimble full of marriage, but several buckets full of ass.

To clarify, Kim Kardashian is way less awesome, and far less loyal than a kitchen appliance.

One thing you can do with veggie pulp is turn it into veggie burgers. Awesome, right? It's like growing a banana tree out of a turd. But less gross. So today I used two cups of veggie pulp to make 500 veggie burgers, and I fried one up for myself only to discover that a veggie burger doesn't appeal to me. Something that is one hundred percent healthy for me is unappetizing. Unless I put bacon on it. I know this is a problem a lot of people have, and I'd just like to say we don't need a twelve-step program, or a meat shrink (nobody needs one of those), or a buddy who calls and reminds us to feel ourselves up for pork products (no comment). We just need to eat bacon. So here's to doing what you need to do -- here's to veggie burgers with bacon on them.